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Why are so many men afraid of doing anything sexual around other men?

My boyfriend Kev and I invited our mutual friend Andrew to stay with us for what we expected to be a few months. A few months turned in to nearly a year but we had a great time! We really did have a great time together and we all seemed to mesh well together, both in and out of the bedroom. One of the things that created an odd dynamic is the pseudo-gay-cooties that the two fellas indirectly expressed at the beginning. Our society has such a different view of homosexuality depending on gender. If two women kiss, they are just flirting or having fun but if two men kiss they are gay. Why is it that two men involved in a sexual experience together is somehow gay? Are they scared? Intimidated? Are they afraid that they will be turned on by each other?

Each time the two guys would get naked in front of each other, there would be an aura of awkwardness and they would refuse to make eye contact, instead directing my attention toward me. Now don’t get me wrong, I am an whore for attention and I ate that up for our first dozen or two encounters together but after a while the tension between the two guys started to make things weird. They always made sure to be on opposite sides with me as a buffer between them and it made things less fun. I didn’t really notice the subconscious dance that the two of them were doing to stay away from each other yet close to me. Eventually I’d had enough so we did something absolutely crazy. Are you ready for this? We communicated about it! I asked them to sit with me in bed, all three of us were nude. I started by asking them both if they were gay. Both guys of course responded that they were not gay. I asked both of them to give each other three compliments about the other’s naked body. After a few compliments from both guys about butts abs and penises, I asked them if they felt weird being naked around each other. Both guys stuttered a bit with their responses and clearly they did. I asked them both what they liked about watching the other fuck me. We got some more responses, more sexual this time. Andrew asked what I was hoping to get with the line of questioning, was I looking to have the two guys hook up? He seemed a bit annoyed but I explained that I was just looking to get over the awkwardness. I told him that I wouldn’t mind if they wanted to hook up in whatever context that meant. Oral, touching, anal, I am just looking for everyone to enjoy each other. I do enjoy watching two guys touch. As many men like watching lesbian porn, I enjoy watching gay porn. Two beautiful men, pleasing each other? Yes please. I’m not intent on making anyone stretch any sexual barriers but if they feel comfortable enough to do so, I would encourage it. I just want to break down the invisible wall of awkwardness in the bedroom and allow them to explore sexuality in a no judgement zone.

I asked Kev what he liked about watching Andrew and I. Kev responded that he liked watching me orgasm while Andrew fucked me, he felt like he could share in the genuine pleasure that I was feeling. I asked the same to Andrew about watching Kev and I. Interestingly Andrew responded that he really enjoyed watching me peg Kev. He said that it was one of the most intimate things that he had ever seen. I feel the same way and it made me smile to know that it looked as sexy to him as it feels to me. Andrew also said that he found the chastity and teasing dynamic that Kev and I enjoy together fascinating and incredibly erotic. He felt incredibly powerful, dominant and lucky when he and I were together while Kev was locked.

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I asked both guys if they would humor me with a little bit of awkwardness-reduction play. They looked at me, visibly nervous both both agreed. I directed them to sit across from each other naked while playing with themselves. Once they were both hard, I got between them and helped by taking both of them into my mouth, rubbing both of their cocks together in the process. They didn’t back away despite their slight swordplay. I pulled them both out of my mouth and asked them to reach down and stroke each other. Both of them reluctantly complied and they were half heartedly tugging on each other. I stepped back, put my hand over my mouth and jokingly commented, “Look, it didn’t turn you gay!” All three of us laughed and I think they got the point. We hopped into bed and had a much less awkward heterosexual romp in the sheets together.

Previous to this discussion, most of our conversations were about jealousy and top dog/alpha male type issues which we needed to squash right away. Those types of issues were absolute deal breakers to the type of situation that we were all hoping for. Some friendly male competition is alright but I didn’t want anything toxic in the bedroom. Kev went through a few days where he felt that Andrew was a threat to our relationship. Andrew went through a few days where he got possessive of me. Both guys didn’t love the fact that I didn’t necessarily want group sex every time since that means someone is the odd man out. Eventually both of them got used to sitting on the bench from time to time.

So how did it go? How did things change after addressing the elephant in the bedroom? Yes, things slowly got better, I didn’t turn either of them gay or bisexual and that of course wasn’t my intention. I don’t need them to become heterosexual or even heteroflexible but I needed to address the awkwardness. Once they realized that neither of them was going to magically become gay by smacking the other’s butt or giving a friendly stroke or two, the tension simply evaporated. After a while, night time cuddles didn’t always require that I lay in the middle as the no-homo buffer. I got both guys to agree to try a few things outside of their comfort zones but that is a story for a different blog.

You aren’t gay or bi if you are having a threesome, you really aren’t. The MFM threesome is called the devil’s threesome out of an outdated gender stigma about female sexual pleasure. YES we are female and YES we are allowed to enjoy sex. Female sexuality should be empowering and not demeaning despite literally everything in our society telling us otherwise.

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I’ve received emails with comments like “I find the idea of pleasing two guys at once intimidating”. Guess what, you aren’t pleasing two guys! For the most part, they are focusing on you and you are typically just along for the ride. The ratio of holes and poles in a MFM vs FMF threesome is much better and allows it to be a much more sensual experience with things just lining up for all of the different positions. Most men are highly motivated to please a female so two guys usually does equate to twice the pleasure. Guys motivated to please the ladies and those who are open to a MFM type threesome will be more open to the emotional side of sex. Those guys will be more open to communication, less likely to be violent, aggressive and jealous. It is all about keeping all of the relationships in your life positive.

Yes Andrew moved out, I am still working on a blog summing up our experience together over the last year but I have a couple unfinished drafts that I wanted to post first. We knew the day was coming and it was a bittersweet when it actually came. All in all, it was a wonderful experience and we all connected tremendously. We left on wonderful terms and are already making plans to go out and visit him late this summer.

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subhubphx

Emma … your ongoing story is amazingly fascinating. You paint a marvelous, meticulous yet generalized picture in the mind’s eye for the reader that provides uncanny clarity, woven with the kind of logic, reason and real-world “sciencey” information that makes it must read.

Clearly from the many comments from your readers, this “does it make me gay” matter has been top of mind since Andrew became part of the your love life with Kevin. I’ll venture a guess that like me, many of your male readers have wrestled with the fear, excitement and emotions on all levels by imagining what and how we would feel if we were in similar shoes to Kevin, and conversely Andrew. For me anyway, most of those roller coaster emotions had to do with the very things you mentioned your boys went through in the beginning. The tension.

That said, I had not considered the stigma of the “no-homo” emotions that each of them clearly had to go through. As I have mentioned in the past, Ms. K. and I do not practice non-monogamy. The reason for that is because she says she has no interest in pursuing that at this time. Being in a loving, trusting WLM for as many tears as we have, it is not lost on me that it would be her prerogative to change her mind.

I suppose it is the always-there potential for her to choose to imbibe in sex with another man (or woman) that keeps my attention to the non-monogamy aspects of the lifestyle we have chosen. If that were to ever really happen, if she was ever of the mind to want to experience the carnal pleasures of another in our marriage, it would happen. But not after there was, are you ready for this? A shit ton of communication. The kind necessary to preserve our marriage and our lifestyle. In the context of our dynamic, and her wants and needs being satisfied, and given the ingrained natural fact that my primary source of my pleasure comes from seeing her life a life of pleasure, I’m certain the no-homo demarcation line that might otherwise exist would be barely there. I can’t even believe I am saying this.

Thanks for this!

HappyCuckold

Thanks for another fascinating post, Emma. My wife prefers to keep her sex with other men separate from her sex with me, so I will probably never experience what you described. But I have an introspective sense that it would be the way you describe it. Since I am not gay, the idea of sexual contact with another man generally seems repellent to me. But here’s an embarrassing confession: I often fantasize about being asked by my wife to demonstrate my submission to her by submitting in some sexual way to the other man, either by taking a spanking from him or giving him a blowjob. I find the fantasy of cream pies erotic, but that won’t happen because my wife and I both believe in safe sex, so her other men always have to wear condoms. I don’t think it would be worth the risk of contracting STD’s to act on that fantasy.

subhubphx

“But here’s an embarrassing confession: I often fantasize about being asked by my wife to demonstrate my submission to her by submitting in some sexual way to the other man, either by taking a spanking from him or giving him a blowjob.”

I think on some level, any man submissive enough (and smart enough) to give control to his wife/gf, has at least privately entertained the joy (compersion) he could give her if what you described is something she had decided she truly wanted.

timothysawthers

I’m curious to see how you were able to resolve the anxiety Kev initially felt about being locked while Andrew and you were having sex.

I remember that and the fact that Andrew being able to orgasm during sex while he wasn’t were some initial hurdles. What changed?

Charlie

Emma – your blog paints a very vivid picture. I am trying to imagine myself in a situation as you described. So I have to ask – While you were engaged with one man what was the other guy doing (or allowed to do)? Sit quietly at observe/cheer? Watch Netflix and glance over during commercials? Have a beer and some chips?
Not joking and not trying to be disparaging. Just trying to get a mental picture as to how this goes down.
Charlie

HappyCuckold

Emma, I think something some people may not realize is that jealousy can be a sexy emotion for some of us guys. Anger and resentment are purely negative emotions that must be avoided or dealt with if they arise. But in the context of a D/s relationship, jealousy can be highly erotic. That’s probably hard to understand for people who aren’t sexually masochistic. I always feel jealous when my wife is with another guy, but I don’t feel as though I am getting the short end of the stick because jealousy is so erotically thrilling to me. I’m curious, when Kevin discussed his feelings with you, did he give you the message that he wasn’t jealous or that he was jealous but got erotic pleasure from jealousy? Also, you say that sometimes Andrew was the one who had to sit it out. I wonder whether that was harder for him than for Kevin?

subhubphx

Nicely said HC. I wish was able to understand how (for me) jealousy, or outright fear that she would prefer him over me, could be erotic. I know it’s a thing, and congratulations to you and the others that get genuine erotic pleasure from it, but currently I just don’t possess that gene. Perhaps if my Wife’s desires were to change, and she wanted to take our life in that direction, it would at the very least offer the opportunity for the kind of deep, meaningful and continuous discussion necessary to get there.

HappyCuckold

Hi subhubphx. As to not possessing “that gene”, I’m not sure it’s an innate characteristic. When I was a young man, I experienced jealousy as a negative emotion. If any one had told me when I got married at the age of 26 that I would someday get pleasure from my wife having sex with other men, I would have said they were crazy. The first form of power exchange that interested me was being spanked. When my wife started spanking me, it was like doors to other forms of power exchange started to open. One thing led to another, taking us to a place neither of us expected to be.

subhubphx

Thanks HC. I completely understand and agree with your assessment of how things were then, then started to become, then evolved to what they are and still yet to be discovered things on your journey. It’s the same for us. We’ve arrived at destinations we never thought could even be possible looking back on it. Characteristics and behavior change based on the things we absorb in our respective journeys through life. Wherever anyone may happen to land, one can only hope that while on their journey, there was the very kind of communication and acceptance that Emma beats the drum about, which is a must when hoping that playing with fire doesn’t burn the house down.

There is no question that some of things we’ve done are akin to playing with fire. The extinguisher is communication and if applied quickly, is a wonderful way to put the flames out with minimal damage.” – Emma

J.S.

Interestingly Andrew responded that he really enjoyed watching me peg Kev. He said that it was one of the most intimate things that he had ever seen. I feel the same way and it made me smile to know that it looked as sexy to him as it feels to me. Andrew also said that he found the chastity and teasing dynamic that Kev and I enjoy together fascinating and incredibly erotic. He felt incredibly powerful, dominant and lucky when he and I were together while Kev was locked.”

Two thoughts here:

1) I can’t help but wonder if you ever did manage to peg Andrew though I realize that is probably worthy of a post itself if it did happen! It is neat that he recognized he intimacy of what you and Kev did and was able to observe it regardless even if he wasn’t open to experiencing it first hand.

I am assuming you were the first one to take Kev anally – feel free to correct me if I am wrong – it would be neat to also be the first to take Andrew that way.

2) I can understand the sense of power, domination, and luck it must have been for Andrew to be “taking” you while Kev sat and watched caged. Even though they were not actually competing there is something very promotive/primal about seeding another man’s woman while he watches that harkens back to thousands of years ago. Even more so if you are doing things to her that he isn’t allowed to do/able to do since presumably Andrew was regularly allowed to ejaculate inside of you and wasn’t subject to “release days” or other restrictions like Kev. What a great experience for all of you!

Charlie

Still re-reading Emma’s post along with the ongoing commentary and trying to picture myself in this situation. I asked for details on what the “third man out” was doing to try to understand what my feelings might be in such a situation- fear, anxiety, awe – not really sure. In a long ago previous life I had a serious girlfriend who cheated on me. The devastating part for me was not that she had sex with another part (don’t get me wrong I wasn’t pleased about that), but the fact that she told me so many lies. So in a situation were communication is open and everybody is honest…..I am thinking my emotion may actually be admiration.

Charlie

Correcting the typos:
part > partner
were communication > where communication

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