I received an email earlier this week with a husband who wants her to make fun of his penis size. She is understandably confused and not comfortable with making fun of his little guy because she is worried about possible damage that it might do to his self image and potentially to their relationship. Our brains do this really cool thing when we are anxious, insecure or worried about something sexual, our minds figure out a way to sexualize or fetishize them. Check out my previous blog about sexualizing insecurities. Oh yeah and one more thing, for the purpose of this blog I'll need you to think of a yellow balloon. I'll get back to the significance of the balloon later.
Thanks for reaching out Chelsey. At first glance, I tend to agree with you. So your guy has a penis on the lower end of the size spectrum. From personal experience, that absolutely is not a deal breaker. A certain size penis is required for stimulation but most penises do the job just fine. Body shaming is real and there is a fine line between entertaining a sexual fetish and digging at a personal insecurity. Men already have a difficult time feeling sexy because our society doesn't typically allow men to be sexualized or objectified. Making jokes at the one thing that defines sexuality for many men and it seems like it might be playing with fire.
We should first talk about where this fetish came from. My personal opinion is that the SPH fetish came about because of the huge cocks that are abundant in porn. If his porn viewing has increased, there is a good chance that he is normalizing the larger penises from his porn and feeling inadequate about the unit that he brings to the table. If his porn viewing has increased, you might consider if his sexual needs are being met. Incorporating more co-masturbation or even a chastity cage to bring your libidos into sync. It is important for couples to synchronize their sexual needs. They needn't have sex more often than they are comfortable but consider your partner's needs and make an effort to ensure that their partner's needs are met.
This also lines up with his second fetish of wanting to see you have sex with a larger man. He is getting off watching porn where he observes a large man skewer a much smaller lady with his meat-kabob. I'm not sure about you but I'm not size queen. I want one somewhere in the realm of normal but the most important factor about the penis is the person it is attached to.
Surprisingly, with many fetishes (SPH included) it is usually better to express them rather than suppressing them with someone that you love and trust. Kinks, fetishes and fantasies are a perfectly normal part of our sexuality. Our sexual culture is incredibly liberal and even the abnormal stuff is usually chocked up to "just his thing". The truth is, if you try and suppress it, it will just take you deeper down that rabbit hole. Remember when I said think of the yellow balloon earlier in this blog? If you didn't forgot about it completely, I bet you've found it mildly distracting the entire time you've been reading this blog. Imagine if you had a sexual hook that was equally as distracting. Imagine if you were Chelsey's husband and during your vanilla lovemaking, you just were silently hoping she would to throw a little SPH jab to get your dopamine flowing. Every time she doesn't, you secretly hope the next thing out of her mouth is a SPH tease of some sort. I think we should all find a nonjudgmental partner and leave no kink door unopened. You may go through five or ten that don't interest you before you find one that really pushes your buttons.…
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A very gracious and informative post Emma. Thank you. I’m not one to seek humiliation and thankfully Ms. K. isn’t prone to dish it out, but for those that do, your advice is outstanding! For me anyway, being put in embarrassing situations is exciting. For example, I’ve always not-so-secretly hoped that Ms. K. would reveal me as her submissive husband, even having me display my cage as proof. It would easy to call such a thing as humiliation but I’d rather see it as embarrassing (and exciting).
“Light and even moderate are good fun but extreme has the potential to result in hurt feelings.”
This reminds me of something I was taught as a boy;
“When a thing is funny, search carefully for a hidden meaning” – George Bernard Shaw
This topic applies very much to the axiom; be careful what you wish for. Words that might leave wounds can’t be unheard … even if in jest.
This is an absolutely fair point! Remember that aside from porn, both the female and male perspectives are influenced by personal opinion. My personal experience would put the average at about six inches. Kev and I have were just discussing one of the points @subhubphx made a couple weeks back about many fetishes being arguably unhealthy psychologically to the extent that body shaming invokes the body’s defense mechanism. At the same time, he craves it and finds it tremendously arousing.
I started a blog last night titled Domestication by Incarceration which takes a deeper dive into this and looks at both sides of the “is it healthy” coin. I love that title but my blog thing tells me that it has a “low search engine score” I don’t really care, I’m sticking with it!
Like many of the things we enjoy as couples, consent is at the heart of the issue. Trusting that the person with whom I’m in relationship has my best interests at heart. Trust that this person is safe, that we have a safe space, and they care about me and my well being. Trust, when the our “fun” is over, we can connect in a meaningful manner.
The old adage,”…. words will never hurt me,” is a lie. Words can and do hurt and unfortunately leave marks no one can see and, often, last a lifetime.
I understand that he might enjoy the SPH, but it’s better to play safe…
We have a very racist and toxic view of the penis (the bigger the better, specially if the guy is black, etc), and the humiliation can lead the guy to believe that he is not enough, leading to a lot of insecurities. Every man gets called gay or sissy hundres of times during his lifetime, and that may as well leave some trauma.
If someone made porn about humiliating fat girls everyone would grab their pitchforks and torches and start marching. But somehow humiliating a man feels ok.
Take good care of your guys – especially the emotional side. Things like that can leave invisible marks that are difficult to heal. Hopefully someday shaming someone’s penis won’t be a thing.
Emma, as usual I think your response is good. I am like the husband that woman wrote to you about. I am turned on by small penis humiliation, even though I have an average size penis. Fortunately for me, my wife doesn’t mind dishing out some light and moderate SPH. You are probably right that extreme teasing is psychologically riskier.
I don’t fully understand why SPH turns me on so much, and I wonder whether it would feel different to me if my penis was truly tiny. In that case, maybe it would be hurtful rather than fun. I don’t know. I think I enjoy it because it is a form of power exchange, kind of like being spanked, but psychological rather than physical.
SPH is precisely sexualizing an insecurity, but it isn’t always about the penis. I think it has more to do with the fear that the guy doesn’t measure up to a man. His penis is simply the most obvious symbol of masculinity. Most men into SPH tend to be of average size.
I once heard or read something about this. Professional Dommes and prostitutes both lie to their clients about their penises. Dommes tell them how small they are and prostitutes tell them how big they are.
As for the men who are truly small, and who also like SPH, they have made a fetish out of a perceived shortcoming (pun intended). But I would wager that most men out there who are under-endowed don’t get into SPH and aren’t humble about it … quite the contrary, they’re the ones who over-compensate in other areas.
I liked your breakdown of the three areas of teasing. And while most men who watch SPH porn or read captions or whatever, probably like the extreme stuff, it would be rather cruel in real-life. Mild to moderate is probably the way to go.
One of the ideas to keep in mind as a man is that there are always men larger, fitter, and more handsome than yourself. In our younger days we struggle with this, but hopefully reach a point in our lives when we embrace this instead of fighting it. Groups of men that settle in a pecking order work together better with less conflict. Humor and teasing is part of keeping a balance.
A mature man is comfortable with teasing and if a woman appeals to this sexually, talking about our “little buddy,” heck who wouldn’t love some attention?
Very true. Women struggle with society’s image of what a woman should look like also. We should be slim with big boobs but I don’t hear of women sexualizing this. When I feel fat, I don’t want Kev to make fun of my tummy or my thighs. Quite the contrary. Has anyone heard of women with an inverse sph? I did a few google searches and I couldn’t find anything. I wonder if it is because men are wired to sexualize their insecurities more than women are.
That is not something I have ever seen. Both men and women are marketed insecurities to sell products, but the amount of mixed messages is insane targeted to women. Raising two daughters, the external forces you fight as a parent are enormous. Men tease each other, but women are much more cruel to each other as a rule. The fashion and cosmetic industry is not your friend as a young girl growing up. Much of it run by women. What women need to know is we men like you and like the variety your differences bring. Big, small, tall, short, we always find something about you to like. You are all yummy to us and we melt inside if you pay us attention.
I had a girlfriend once that I tried my best to explain how she looked wonderful without makeup. A hard sell for sure. There is a reason we often stare, we just find you all pleasant to look at.
Personally I doubt men are “wired” for anything. If I had to guess, i’d say it’s the constant pressure to man up and the “boys don’t cry” mentality – and rather than talking about it and dealing with those issues, we just tell them to repress those feelings and grow up.
Men in general have no one to turn to when they are insecure – friends may call it gay, and most women don’t want insecure guys anyways.
I like the idea of gentle teasing about my penis size, despite having a perfectly normal size. I think that one of the factors that makes this exciting is that it takes away the uncertainty of wondering whether one is too small. If I am afraid that my penis is too small and my partner will leave me because of it, this is very tense and stress inducing. She can reassure me but maybe my insecurity is strong enough that I just can’t accept the reassurance. In that case, going the other way and saying “yes, you are small but I am still here” may seem,on some level, more reassuring. Similar to the way a man may be terrified his partner will cheat on him and leave him, so he is drawn to the cuckold fetish. Instead of reassuring him that she will never sleep with another man, she does so openly and still stays with him. His fear comes true but the dreaded consequence does not. Does any of that make sense? I think that may go some way to explaining my fascination with these fetishes anyway. In any case, I think the main thing is to agree limits, check in regularly with each other and keep communicating. And never forget that some fantasies and fetishes are really exciting until you actually try them! SPH is something my wife does not feel comfortable doing, so I don’t push it. But, maybe, if she did, I would find I actually don’t enjoy it after all!
This was an interesting article. I am considered barely average and my wife has never complained about my size. She has no desire to do anything kinky so she would never do anything like this but when I read the captions on social media etc it makes me wonder how I would react to it. If I knew it was just a role playing thing I think it would be fun but I would prefer something like to only happen once in a blue moon.
You might be surprised if you approach her about it and explain that you just want to play with your emotions and your arousal. Share some of my blogs with her and include her in your fantasy. Once she understands that it is about HER and HER PLEASURE she may be more open to playing than you thought.
Really great post. I identify with it so much.
I have a small penis of less than 4 inches and love SPH from my partner as long as she does it in a loving and fun way. I think on your scale we are at light to moderate.
It took me a huge amount of courage to admit this kink to her and I worked hard to reassure her that I am still a confident and happy lover.
Now she’s completely open and straightforward about the fact that my penis is one of the smallest she’s ever seen.
We tend to call it Small Penis Honesty rather than humiliation and it’s become an important but balanced part of our sex life which she says she enjoys as much as I do.
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A very gracious and informative post Emma. Thank you. I’m not one to seek humiliation and thankfully Ms. K. isn’t prone to dish it out, but for those that do, your advice is outstanding! For me anyway, being put in embarrassing situations is exciting. For example, I’ve always not-so-secretly hoped that Ms. K. would reveal me as her submissive husband, even having me display my cage as proof. It would easy to call such a thing as humiliation but I’d rather see it as embarrassing (and exciting).
“Light and even moderate are good fun but extreme has the potential to result in hurt feelings.”
This reminds me of something I was taught as a boy;
“When a thing is funny, search carefully for a hidden meaning” – George Bernard Shaw
This topic applies very much to the axiom; be careful what you wish for. Words that might leave wounds can’t be unheard … even if in jest.
Thanks for another excellent post!
This was the quote I wanted to add in my comment but couldn’t find:
“The wound of a dagger heals, but that of a tongue, never” – Friedrich Nietzsche
This is an absolutely fair point! Remember that aside from porn, both the female and male perspectives are influenced by personal opinion. My personal experience would put the average at about six inches. Kev and I have were just discussing one of the points @subhubphx made a couple weeks back about many fetishes being arguably unhealthy psychologically to the extent that body shaming invokes the body’s defense mechanism. At the same time, he craves it and finds it tremendously arousing.
I started a blog last night titled Domestication by Incarceration which takes a deeper dive into this and looks at both sides of the “is it healthy” coin. I love that title but my blog thing tells me that it has a “low search engine score” I don’t really care, I’m sticking with it!
Like many of the things we enjoy as couples, consent is at the heart of the issue. Trusting that the person with whom I’m in relationship has my best interests at heart. Trust that this person is safe, that we have a safe space, and they care about me and my well being. Trust, when the our “fun” is over, we can connect in a meaningful manner.
The old adage,”…. words will never hurt me,” is a lie. Words can and do hurt and unfortunately leave marks no one can see and, often, last a lifetime.
I understand that he might enjoy the SPH, but it’s better to play safe…
We have a very racist and toxic view of the penis (the bigger the better, specially if the guy is black, etc), and the humiliation can lead the guy to believe that he is not enough, leading to a lot of insecurities. Every man gets called gay or sissy hundres of times during his lifetime, and that may as well leave some trauma.
If someone made porn about humiliating fat girls everyone would grab their pitchforks and torches and start marching. But somehow humiliating a man feels ok.
Take good care of your guys – especially the emotional side. Things like that can leave invisible marks that are difficult to heal. Hopefully someday shaming someone’s penis won’t be a thing.
Emma, as usual I think your response is good. I am like the husband that woman wrote to you about. I am turned on by small penis humiliation, even though I have an average size penis. Fortunately for me, my wife doesn’t mind dishing out some light and moderate SPH. You are probably right that extreme teasing is psychologically riskier.
I don’t fully understand why SPH turns me on so much, and I wonder whether it would feel different to me if my penis was truly tiny. In that case, maybe it would be hurtful rather than fun. I don’t know. I think I enjoy it because it is a form of power exchange, kind of like being spanked, but psychological rather than physical.
SPH is precisely sexualizing an insecurity, but it isn’t always about the penis. I think it has more to do with the fear that the guy doesn’t measure up to a man. His penis is simply the most obvious symbol of masculinity. Most men into SPH tend to be of average size.
I once heard or read something about this. Professional Dommes and prostitutes both lie to their clients about their penises. Dommes tell them how small they are and prostitutes tell them how big they are.
As for the men who are truly small, and who also like SPH, they have made a fetish out of a perceived shortcoming (pun intended). But I would wager that most men out there who are under-endowed don’t get into SPH and aren’t humble about it … quite the contrary, they’re the ones who over-compensate in other areas.
I liked your breakdown of the three areas of teasing. And while most men who watch SPH porn or read captions or whatever, probably like the extreme stuff, it would be rather cruel in real-life. Mild to moderate is probably the way to go.
It is interesting to point out that the penis is a symbol of his masculinity but it isn’t always about the penis. Good point!
One of the ideas to keep in mind as a man is that there are always men larger, fitter, and more handsome than yourself. In our younger days we struggle with this, but hopefully reach a point in our lives when we embrace this instead of fighting it. Groups of men that settle in a pecking order work together better with less conflict. Humor and teasing is part of keeping a balance.
A mature man is comfortable with teasing and if a woman appeals to this sexually, talking about our “little buddy,” heck who wouldn’t love some attention?
Very true. Women struggle with society’s image of what a woman should look like also. We should be slim with big boobs but I don’t hear of women sexualizing this. When I feel fat, I don’t want Kev to make fun of my tummy or my thighs. Quite the contrary. Has anyone heard of women with an inverse sph? I did a few google searches and I couldn’t find anything. I wonder if it is because men are wired to sexualize their insecurities more than women are.
That is not something I have ever seen. Both men and women are marketed insecurities to sell products, but the amount of mixed messages is insane targeted to women. Raising two daughters, the external forces you fight as a parent are enormous. Men tease each other, but women are much more cruel to each other as a rule. The fashion and cosmetic industry is not your friend as a young girl growing up. Much of it run by women. What women need to know is we men like you and like the variety your differences bring. Big, small, tall, short, we always find something about you to like. You are all yummy to us and we melt inside if you pay us attention.
I had a girlfriend once that I tried my best to explain how she looked wonderful without makeup. A hard sell for sure. There is a reason we often stare, we just find you all pleasant to look at.
Personally I doubt men are “wired” for anything. If I had to guess, i’d say it’s the constant pressure to man up and the “boys don’t cry” mentality – and rather than talking about it and dealing with those issues, we just tell them to repress those feelings and grow up.
Men in general have no one to turn to when they are insecure – friends may call it gay, and most women don’t want insecure guys anyways.
But it’s just a guess, I am not a psychologist…
I like the idea of gentle teasing about my penis size, despite having a perfectly normal size. I think that one of the factors that makes this exciting is that it takes away the uncertainty of wondering whether one is too small. If I am afraid that my penis is too small and my partner will leave me because of it, this is very tense and stress inducing. She can reassure me but maybe my insecurity is strong enough that I just can’t accept the reassurance. In that case, going the other way and saying “yes, you are small but I am still here” may seem,on some level, more reassuring. Similar to the way a man may be terrified his partner will cheat on him and leave him, so he is drawn to the cuckold fetish. Instead of reassuring him that she will never sleep with another man, she does so openly and still stays with him. His fear comes true but the dreaded consequence does not. Does any of that make sense? I think that may go some way to explaining my fascination with these fetishes anyway. In any case, I think the main thing is to agree limits, check in regularly with each other and keep communicating. And never forget that some fantasies and fetishes are really exciting until you actually try them! SPH is something my wife does not feel comfortable doing, so I don’t push it. But, maybe, if she did, I would find I actually don’t enjoy it after all!
This was an interesting article. I am considered barely average and my wife has never complained about my size. She has no desire to do anything kinky so she would never do anything like this but when I read the captions on social media etc it makes me wonder how I would react to it. If I knew it was just a role playing thing I think it would be fun but I would prefer something like to only happen once in a blue moon.
You might be surprised if you approach her about it and explain that you just want to play with your emotions and your arousal. Share some of my blogs with her and include her in your fantasy. Once she understands that it is about HER and HER PLEASURE she may be more open to playing than you thought.
Really great post. I identify with it so much.
I have a small penis of less than 4 inches and love SPH from my partner as long as she does it in a loving and fun way. I think on your scale we are at light to moderate.
It took me a huge amount of courage to admit this kink to her and I worked hard to reassure her that I am still a confident and happy lover.
Now she’s completely open and straightforward about the fact that my penis is one of the smallest she’s ever seen.
We tend to call it Small Penis Honesty rather than humiliation and it’s become an important but balanced part of our sex life which she says she enjoys as much as I do.