In a monogamous relationship, society expects our needs to be completely met by our partner without exception. Stress, age and health concerns can throw our sexual desire from one end of the spectrum to the other and our partner suffers the consequences. Some of us are fine with sex once a week and some are biting their lip in sexual frustration without a daily fix of sexual attention. This is a very broad topic but as a curator of a blog about sex, I get questions all the flippin’ time. I decided to write a blog about it.
Sexual desire is a psychological need and not a physical need. When she says that she needs to feel intimacy and needs to feel closeness from sex, she is using sex as a tool to get at intimacy and closeness. When our needs aren’t met, our minds will start to rationalize ways for our needs to be met. This is where resentment and cheating come into play. Couples that communicate well and address unmet needs early can come up with ways to address misalignment of sexual desire. While eating directly satiates hunger, sex doesn’t directly satiate emotional needs.
Regular sex can help you avoid feelings of depression and low self worth. Regular sex can boost analytic thinking skills and boost nutrients and oxygen to your brain cells, increasing brain activity and memory. Sex makes you feel younger and more desirable.
Not having a partner and not having an active sex life is often seen as problematic in our society. Going at life alone is seen as unhealthy and stigmatizing. This hasn’t always been the case. In the 19th century, it was quite common for people to have little or no intercourse. Remember that prior to birth control, contraception was very unreliable and sex often resulted in pregnancy. The concept of sex as a means for psychological well being is arguably a construct of our society but nonetheless is a very real need for many of us. Myself included.
Female Sexual Needs
I won’t speak for all females, I can only speak for myself and my own needs because I have firsthand experience with my own needs. Sexual attention is a need for me. I need an orgasm two or three three times a week or I feel a genuine lack of well being. I feel insecure and I feel an emotional hunger that is difficult to describe. I don’t need penetrative sex, my need is for the spine arching, leg shaking orgasm. I need to be touched almost daily, touch is a very sensual thing for me and frequent physical contact makes me feel amazing. Hold my hand, clasp my arm in your hands, rub my shoulders, grab my butt, hands on the small of my back above my butt. Cuddling. All of it. I love physical touch and it makes me feel loved and wanted. This physical touch is amazing but it doesn’t fulfill my sexual needs. My sexual needs are related very directly to penetration and orgasm. While orgasm gives me a mental release, penetration gives me a feeling of completeness, of being whole. I need that feeling of wholeness of fullness.
Male Sexual Needs
I don’t have the proper qualifications to discuss what sex means to being a man but I often interview the man in my life to get his perspective on how sex makes him feel. I’m an inquisitive partner and I want to make sure that I am giving what my partner needs and not just what I want to give. I guess I’ve always been that way, especially as I learn more about my own needs. Society doesn’t allow men to have emotions or feel sexy. Sex is a highly emotional experience which unlocks emotions and allows him to feel things that he isn’t otherwise permitted to feel. Women can feel and create emotional connections in their lives without sex but for men, sex is tied to emotional connection.
Another thing men get from sex is a rare opportunity to be vulnerable. By its very nature, the sexual experience reassures him that he is safe and accepted. Vulnerability goes back to earliest childhood bonding when it was okay to depend on someone. Because there is so much social emphasis on men being tough and strong, it is easy to overlook how much men need to be vulnerable sometimes, to be released from preoccupations of control and success. For just a little while, a man can surrender in safety, and finally let go of it all.
For men, sexual attention is an emotional outlet while women are much more capable of emotion without sex. I think sex is more physical than emotional for me with men being the exact opposite. For women, the hormonal release of oxytocin during orgasm causes a desire to bond with her partner. The hormonal releases for men cause a testosterone drop which leads to a desire to emotionally distance himself after sex.
Sexual Desire
There are many things that can influence sexual desire and they don’t really differ between genders.
Medications Check to see if any medications influence sexual desire.
Stress Stress is the number one reason why sex doesn’t happen. Sex can make sexual desire evaporate like nothing else. Help your partner work on stress management or work together to eliminate the stressors.
Alcohol/Drugs Substance and abuse and alcohol can lower inhibitions and they can also change your body chemistry.
Diet What you eat can vastly change the desire to have sex.
Exercise Physical exercise releases endorphins and increase blood flow in our core and pelvic muscles. 15-30 minutes of exercise will bump the horny levels for men while 60 minutes will get men in the mood.
When one partner needs more…
While society tells us that women want less sex, this is less frequent than you might think. We get a bad rap as the sexual gatekeepers in society but many of us get into relationships and feel sexually frustrated with needs not being met. Sometimes even though sex happens, it doesn’t happen in a way that allows our needs to be properly met. I personally gather quite a bit of my female power and energy from sex.
Men frequently want more sex but they rarely actually need the physical release aspect of sex. Orgasm often does more harm than good as their need comes from the emotional connection. Sexual experiences come in many forms and I’ve found that male chastity allows men to experience a heightened emotional state over a period of days instead of the minutes of a typical sexual interaction. This is one of the main reasons why male chastity is pursued by men and is also related to their innate desire to feel needed by their partner. This can also be intensely empowering for the female since the control factor is an intense experience. Introducing pegging to your relationship can be a new way for him to experience sex and prostate stimulation can be incredibly addicting. Pegging as a sexual act can make you feel all sorts of new and exciting things.
Both men and women have an innate need to feel desired. This can be as simple as flirting with others and can be as complex as adding consensual non-monogamy to your relationship. Sexual variety can really light the spark for all of us and especially women. We are hard wired to grow sexually bored when the butterflies of newness go away. This leads to a very natural decrease in sexual desire for our partner. Our bodies do this as a cruel joke that flies in the face of our monogamist society. While monogamy is a cozy arrangement for couples and there is no question that it makes life easier. Long term partnership satisfies society’s expectations is financially beneficial but it doesn’t support female sexual needs. Long term partner exclusivity squashes the hormones that make us feel sexy and allow us to experience our sexuality.
Thank you for reading, please post any questions in the comments below and introduce yourself on the forum! Any time I write a blog like this, I must thank Kev for allowing our relationship to be a guinea pig for this blog. I am thankfully very aligned sexually with this man and I am lucky to have such a wonderful partner. I should also apologize that this blog is so gendered, my context comes from a male/female relationship. I don’t have any background that would be helpful for female/female or male/male relationship nor any context for trans. I’d love to get some input from anyone that wants to share in the comments below!
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
It is no secret that about 80% of male chastity is initiated by the male and in this blog I provide context and encourage men to communicate about the pros and cons of embracing this kink/lifestyle. Sometimes the conversation goes very well and sometimes the conversation goes poorly. Below is an example of a conversation that went poorly and the wife in the email excerpt below is not to be faulted for her reluctance to accept the kink that her husband approached her with. Some men feel like their wives owe it to them to participate in new kinks such as chastity, pegging or other female domination fetishes. Newsflash, your wife owes you absolutely nothing sexually.
This email came from a reader, her name has been changed, links have been added and some personal details omitted but otherwise very similar to the email that she sent. She did provide permission for this email to be published, of course. Her email is respectful, and I really feel for what this couple must be going through together.
J’s Email
Hi. My name is J and my husband recently showed me your website and gave me a talk about his desire for me to lock his penis in a cage and boss him around. This came out of nowhere and I wanted to laugh but he was so serious with his request. He handed me a box with a small metal cage in it. I really wanted to be understanding and comforting but I will be honest. I didn’t know what to say!
He kept going on and on about how much better our relationship would be and I’ll be honest I didn’t hear anything he was saying. I was just looking at the shiny cage and wondering if this was my fault and where this all came from. I thought we had sex often enough but now he wants to lock himself away and intentionally end or limit our sex life? Where did this come from and why is he like this? I started reading your blogs and some of them seem reasonable but many of them seem way outside of what I am comfortable with. What do I do next? I am not trying to offend you and I am sure your site clearly an audience of both men and women but it isn’t for me. This isn’t what I signed up for when I got married and I don’t even know where it is coming from.
One of your blogs resonated with me about painful sex and it is the only thing I can think of that might have caused this. I am 43 years old and the sex has been painful for the last few years due to vulvodynia. This showed up unexpectedly and the doctor said that it may be related to a gluten sensitivity that also showed up around the same time. We do have sex and I thought things were fine but maybe this has something to do with it?
I am not criticizing your site, I am just looking for help and I was hoping you might be able to tell me where this came from?
My response
Thank you for reaching out J! I know this must be challenging and weird since we don’t know each other but please know that I appreciate you reaching out. I am certainly not pushing pegging, chastity or any other activities on anyone. I simply lay out the benefits and allow couples to make the choices that best suit their relationships. I am going to make some wild assumptions in my response because I don’t know you or your husband. If your husband is registered to the site, telling my his username might give me some extra insight into his perspective. I’ll start by saying that this is not your fault. As I read your email, it sounds like your plea for help was accompanied by some guilt. You have no obligation to do anything that you don’t feel comfortable with. With that said, let’s twist things around and look at his perspective.
It sounds like you have been married for some time and over the last few years, your sex life has changed. Prior to the last few years, you had a sex life that presumably you both enjoyed. Your comment of “I thought we had sex often enough” says one thing but tells me another. It sounds like you may be having sex for his benefit and not particularly enjoying it. Men have an innate need to please women and they get a significant amount of self worth from knowing that their partner is satisfied sexually. Chastity is very common amongst men with microphallus, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction and retarded ejaculation. These traits make them feel self-conscious about their ability to please their partner and they sometimes feel that locking their penis away will please their partner more. This shame of sexual dysfunction can cause low self-esteem, anxiety and feelings of inferiority. This often shows up in fetishes as the his defense mechanism is often to sexualize or fetishize these traits to protect himself. I am guessing that he is fetishizing the fact that he is hurting you and protecting you by bringing a cock cage into your marriage. The problem here is that he didn’t communicate this thought process and simply showed up with a solution to a problem that he has been dealing with by himself. He may not be able to verbalize the thought process or even know what he is thinking but he came up with a solution. This solution provides sexual attention for him while limiting the sexual activity that causes you pain.
Had this started with a conversation about his sexual needs, you might have been able to work on a solution together. Ultimately the solution may have led you to the same place or it may have led you elsewhere but you would have known what he was struggling with. I am not familiar with Vulvadynia but in the brief research I’ve read, it looks like it is treatable and may even go away on its own. I invite you to consider his sexual needs and while you are not comfortable with his solution, consider other solutions that will allow his needs to be met.
The number one thing you can do right now is communicate. Men are notoriously poor at communicating so setting aside some time to talk about sex is essential. Give yourself fifteen minutes a week where you rate your sex life and talk about your sexual needs. Sex is a very broad term and there are many options that don’t involve traditional penetration which is potentially causing you to resent sex and eventually create resentment toward your husband if it hasn’t already. Why does he want the thing that he knows causes you pain? His body is wired to physically and psychological need sex. This is completely normal, remember that sex was a big part of your relationship and things changed along the way that altered his sex life. From his perspective, he is trying to figure out how to move forward with you. In similar situations, many men use a change like this to justify cheating which is another way to fill his sexual supply. Another option is that your husband has significantly increased his masturbation habit and he is suggesting the cage as a way to manage a habit that he feels guilty about. In either case, it sounds like your husband’s greatest need isn’t filling his sexual supply but ensuring that you are satisfied.
I don’t think that your husband is a pervert. I think that your husband is trying to solve a problem in the best way that he knows how. Although his approach leaves something to be desired, I think he has the best of intentions. I wish you both the best and it is clear to me that this is a challenging time. Take a few days to consider both sides and set aside some time to have a heart to heart discussion. Consider that sex is far more than an orgasm to him and is essential to his sense of self. Many men struggle with validation and see sex as a barometer for your relationship satisfaction. This is of course flawed since there are so many factors that can influence our sexual desire, most of which are completely outside of his area of influence. Don’t be a stranger, I look forward to hearing how things go!
I really think this might be useful to others so I’d like to consider using this as a blog but I’ll email you separately about that.
I think both J and her husband have the best intentions but don’t quite know how to navigate this. Their communication about sex leaves something to be desired. I wanted to post this as a blog because all too often men think that relationship challenges are their fault and problems for them to solve on their own. You cannot create happiness by yourself, it just doesn’t work that way.
Please talk about problems and work on solutions together. Don’t try to figure it out on your own. Your relationship is a two way street and coming up with a own one-sided solution is a recipe for resentment. If you don’t communicate, she may not even know there is a problem that needs solving.
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
When men think about sex a lot, we assume it has something to do with testosterone. But men’s urgency about sex is not always about physical desire only. Sex can satisfy multiple needs at several levels for a man, giving him an opportunity to feel closeness, vulnerability, reassurance, and self-transcendence all in one experience.
What most women don’t understand is that for many men, sex is the deepest level of intimacy. This is not an inferior type of intimacy; it is a male type of intimacy. To him, sex can feel like the most profound, genuine sharing of himself he can imagine. It is not just a robotic release of sexual tension, it is the experience of giving his all in the drive to feel as close as possible to his partner, whether he is in love or not. It is the fulfillment of the most essential human need to connect.
For the man, sex may replenish his soul, but to the woman, his interest may feel only physical. Because a woman can get those same needs met partly in other ways, it is hard for her to imagine that a man may get that primarily, and sometimes only, from lovemaking. Women naturally create connections in their lives, so they have other sources of emotional fulfillment that men may only attain through their sexual experiences.
Women think that emotional intimacy is best achieved through talking about feelings and opening up to one another. When their man is not interested in this kind of intimate sharing, women can feel lonely and unheard, lowering their interest in further intimacies. Unfortunately, women who feel emotionally disregarded perceive the man’s sexual pressure not as a need to connect, but as a need to take. Many women feel that if their partners would be more emotionally responsive, they might want to have sex more.
Although emotional openness is increasing between the sexes, there is still an unspoken limitation on how much emotional openness is acceptable in a man. Women have societal permission to express their emotional needs, but males have been trained to be stoic. Only in the privacy of lovemaking does the man feel free to share himself at all levels with his partner.
Another thing men get from sex is a rare opportunity to be vulnerable. By its very nature, the sexual experience reassures him that he is safe and accepted. Vulnerability goes back to earliest childhood bonding when it was okay to depend on someone. Because there is so much social emphasis on men being tough and strong, it is easy to overlook how much men need to be vulnerable sometimes, to be released from preoccupations of control and success. For just a little while, a man can surrender in safety, and finally let go of it all.
Sexual connection for a man can also feel transcendent. Good sexual experiences take people out of themselves, lifting them out of their egos, and expanding them beyond the little workaday self. The experience of transcending the mundane reminds a man there is more to life than his daily routine. Lovemaking softens tough male defenses and moves him into the sublime experience of merger with another person. Men are so pressured to be practical, rational thinkers that sex becomes one of their only ways to rise above the tyranny of what everyone expects of them. They can leave their brains and reconnect to their souls.
But problems occur when men try to meet emotional and transcendent needs in sex without acknowledging that is what it means to them. Sex can then take on a driven, addictive quality, as unspoken emotional needs are compulsively expressed in action not words. The man is not aware of how truly needy he is, nor in which ways, and so sex becomes never enough, just like any intoxicant that is used to satisfy needs it was never meant to.
Men have to realize that if they are trying to meet all these needs primarily through sex, their female partners will get burned out. Women typically do not meet their emotional needs primarily through sex, and so sex with an emotionally driven man may feel more like giving than getting. In other words, she correctly senses that he is trying to make a deep emotional connection under the guise of sex, but because he himself is often unaware of this motive, he does not understand why she seems to see sex as tiring. It is not the sex that is tiring, it is the man pretending his needs are only about sex, as well as his reluctance to open up emotionally and communicate in the rest of their relationship.
The more a man is aware of his strong need for intimate connection, vulnerability, and reassurance, the more he can find additional ways of getting his emotional needs met with his partner outside the bedroom. Through sharing his feelings more with his partner, his emotional needs can be met directly in a way that replenishes the woman too, making her feel closer to him so that sex is an experience to be looked forward to, not avoided.
Meanwhile, women can have a new appreciation for the meanings sex can have to a man. He needs some understanding too. Sex for him is about a lot more than it looks like.
This blog is republished from drlindsaygibson.com and I felt that it did a wonderful job of describing the male sexual needs as I understand them. I did ask for permission to repost but I haven’t heard back. If Dr. Gibson is reading this and would like it taken down, please let me know and I’d be happy to do so.
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
Your fella confessed that he has a fantasy of watching you with another man. That is a pretty big leap for even the most secure relationship. While many of us may entertain the fantasy, it is something that may do more harm than good if we try to fulfill it. Cuckold is a strong term and frankly, I don’t like the derogatory connotation. With that said, it makes for a dramatic headline so I’ll leave it for the sake of the search engines. Here’s to you Google.
Many guys have this fetish and it is a direct result of sperm competition. Knowing that their mate is desired by others, makes their blood absolutely boil with sexual arousal. Assuming you have a boundary in your relationship that restricts sexual intimacy to the two of you, how can you harness this sperm competition arousal while respecting the boundaries that you’ve set?
Accept first that you both bring certain things to the relationship. He likely brings security through commitment, love, and respect. You expect his communication, respect, trust and support. With that foundation, bringing sperm competition arousal to your relationship or marriage might just kick your sex life into high gear. We should start with the distinction of sperm competition and sperm competition arousal. Sperm competition is when two males ejaculate in a female and the resulting semen competes to fertilize an egg. We’ve established that this isn’t on the table for conversation at this point. We are going to take baby steps and try to experience some of the massive testosterone boost related to this experience without actually experiencing it.
A 1996 study showed that adult DVD sales (lol. DVD sales, whaaat?) with movies depicting multiple males were higher than movies depicting multiple females. I looked through the most recently published “year in review” stats from PornHub and I wasn’t able to see much information about threesomes. The search term threesome was there however there wasn’t anything distinguishing between the two boys and two girl variants. Anyone know where I can find this data?
There are many things which go into female sexual selection from environmental conditions – things we cannot control to specific characteristics about potential mates. In the top right of the diagram below, you will see the PSR or primary sex ratio. Simply put, the ratio of available mates. In the top left, you will see more environmental characteristics among the available mate pool. PRR in the diagram below refers to the potential reproductive rate or the reproductive rate if given unlimited mating access. The merging of the left and right sides of this diagram gives the OSR or operational sex ratio. The OSR is the ratio of males and females make up the mating pool of the population at any given time.
So you ask, this is all neat but what does this have to do with sperm competition? When a male is aware of the differences which make him more or less valuable in the OSR, his body will boost testosterone to make him more sexually aroused. A higher level of arousal in sexual situations will increase the chances of fertilization success. If a female saw two males and one was more genetically desirable (muscular, taller etc) a less genetically desirable male might overcome that genetic gap by having more resources or by providing a greater parental investment if fertilization/pregnancy was to occur. In many cases in our animal kingdom, the female will take the best of both worlds – mating with both males in hopes that she will capture the greater genetics and greater resources/parental investment of the second male regardless of which male’s sperm wins the race to fertilization.
This study includes everything from insects to primates but there is no question that our sex drive comes from our animalistic mammalian roots. The animalistic nature of our sexual side is likely why our society tries so hard to stigmatize something that is so core to our sense of self and well being.
The physical side of things from the female end of the experience is harder to quantify but I will say that there is something amazing about holding a member in both hands. Watching the faces of each member-owner as you give attention to the other. The member which is not getting attention gets a massive boost in arousal as if to say, don’t forget about me. Bring your attention back over here! When doing the act with one and holding the hand or kissing the other. the passion is turned up twelve notches in a way that is difficult to explain. I’m getting distracted… we’ve established that we aren’t going there so let’s take a couple steps back.
So how do you experience sexual energy tied to sperm competition without actually going there? Perhaps you are thinking of trying a threesome and giving your guy’s fantasy a shot but you want to tiptoe into the water and make sure that you won’t sabotage your relationship in the process. Here are three fun ways to experience a dose of sperm competition without actually bringing a third into your bedroom.
The Cuckold Warmup
Find a dildo, preferably one that is slightly larger than he is. Give the dildo a name. Preferably a name that isn’t part of your day-to-day lives. Don’t call it Michael if his best friend shares that name. Prior to having sexy with your guy, have sex with your new friend and call it by name. Giving the dildo a name personifies it, making it less of an object and more of a potential sexual competitor. While you play, try some very light SPH to see if he is more aroused or defensive with this sort of play.
Try male chastity. Locking his cock up in a cage has roots in sperm competition. The fact that he is locked means he is unable to perform sexually and this stripping of sexual ability is emasculating. The emasculation both inside and outside of the bedroom will allow him to be more aware of his sexuality and have more honest conversation. He will be more capable of communicating what arouses him, what threatens him and where the two overlap. Shorter lockups are fine, you really just want to see how he responds when losing sexual control as you deny him access. If you play with your friend from step 1 while he is locked, it could certainly be an interesting experience.
Post a personal ad online. Find a place to post a picture of your body online, obscure your face or simply list the ad as if you were in a location several towns away. Post the ad together and read the responses together. You can discuss them and talk about which ones he finds threatening and arousing. As you grow more comfortable with the conversation, talk about which attributes you find arousing and compare those attributes to your partner. He has bigger chest and arms than you do. I wonder what it would feel like to be held in them? Try using the toy from step 1 but replace the name that you selected for your toy with the name of the guy from the personal ad. For bonus points, try this while your guy is locked with the cage from step 2.
Try out some of the above ideas and see how he responds. Take your time! You can try over the course of a week or two years. As with all things sexual, enjoy the road and don’t focus on the destination. If he is clearly aroused then you may be able to continue to explore this avenue. If he is defensive, overly frustrated or angry then you should slow down or steer clear of play that includes elements of sperm competition. We are all wired differently and some of us absolutely get off from this sort of play. Some guys absolutely want no part of it. Carefully experimenting with situations like this can be fun but exercise caution as you learn how he responds to these potentially sexually threatening situations. Remember to talk after each experience. If he won’t share his feelings, refuse to experiment further. If he refuses to share how he feels here, that is a huge red flag. He is by no means capable of expanding the experience. Have fun!
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
In our culture, the female form embodies sexy and men are not permitted the luxury of feeling sexy. Did you know that only 12.1 percent of men between the ages of 18 and 65 in committed relationships feel desired by their partner? That same study found that 95 percent of men found it very important to feel desired. The gap of unmet needs is incredible and what’s worse, nobody talks about it! So why on earth are females the only ones that are allowed to feel sexy and desired?
Grooming & Wellness
A haircut, a fresh shave or a shower. All of these things will help a guy feel a boost of self confidence about his presentation. Need to feel good about yourself, a nice shave and a haircut will do it. How about a signature scent? I’ll throw exercise and fitness into grooming as well. Sleep can make you feel sexy too! Waking up fully rested and ready to face the day? Yes please!
Clothing
There is no question that clothing makes us feel sexy. Sometimes I like to try on clothes just because I like the way I feel when I wear them. Men in suits or better yet, uniforms. Yum! Here is the problem, those two things I just mentioned don’t accentuate their bodies, they accentuate their careers and cater to our sense of security rather than accentuating physical traits. A nice, well fitted suit implies success and wealth. A uniform implies a commanding presence and a good job. A look into gay culture shows some fashion built around accentuating the male body but very little in the hetero world. I think the male body is beautiful and I think we should start allowing men to dress sexy. Women have lingerie and let’s be honest, Halloween for women is more of a sexy-dress-up competition than a scary mask competition like it is for the boys. Kev and I have done some dress-up play at home and Kev and I find it funny more than anything but the fact that female sexy clothing exists but is absent for men is telling.
Nudity
If clothing makes us feel sexy, what about the absence of clothing? If you are comfortable with your body then you should love being nude. If you don’t feel comfortable with your body, feel free to email me a body pic and I will give you at least one heartfelt compliment. Every body is beautiful, it really is.
Compliments
As women, we generally compliment each other. We expect compliments from our guys but we (myself included) aren’t great at returning compliments to our fellas. Guys don’t get compliments like we do and it needs to change. Men (all humans) like to feel validated especially when it is clear that he made an effort or is proud of something. Be intentional about giving genuine compliments about everything from his intelligence to his butt.
Initiate Sex
What could make him feel more desirable than eagerly initiating sexual contact and coupling it with a compliment. This doesn’t need to result in sex every time. This morning for example, Kev woke up with my hand on his cage (it is Locktober after all) and a compliment about how sexy and manly his black cage looks on his body. I kissed down his chest and blew my warm breath on his cage. It didn’t go any further than that but guess what, that two seconds of effort made him start his day with a smile. Why should I keep my feelings about his sexual desirability a secret? He is hot and I liked what I saw this morning so I let him know. When you initiate sex and accompany it with a compliment, it is something you need. Feeling wanted is lame, make it clear that he is needed. Men don’t know what to do with compliments since they are generally rare so that is the part that will take you from a C effort to an A+.
End Sex Early
How on earth will ending sex early help him feel sexy? Men often use sex (orgasm) to satiate feelings of anxiety and intimacy. Ending sex early forces him to experience feelings of intimacy in the absence of the orgasm. Sex in the context of a relationship can be addictive and his orgasm can be used as a substitute or mask for experiencing real connection. In long term relationships, sex can become routine. Ending sex prior to his orgasm prevents it from becoming machinelike and forces him to confront feelings and experience intimacy.
Objectify His Body
While objectification of female bodies is something which we are all familiar, men are often objectified for their social status, jobs or wealth. The male needs for physical attraction is frowned upon and the female need for security is acceptable. Don’t get me wrong, none of us don’t like feeling like a decorative object defined by our physical attractiveness/usefulness. For men, feeling sexually objectified will most likely be exciting and quite likely a huge turn-on. I would argue that we all need some level of objectification, even as partners we must maintain a baseline level of compatibility. I suggest that objectification forms that baseline or foundation for which the rest of the relationship is built upon.
Male Chastity & Orgasm Control
How on earth would orgasm control make a man feel sexy? Well, I’ll tell ya! Men are typically in charge of their own sexuality and when left to his own devices masturbation happens. OFTEN. Masturbation isn’t inherently bad but men release sexual energy and temporarily lose the ability to build emotional connections. Male chastity prevents the orgasm and allows him the opportunity to experience a full rainbow of emotion that has been masked since he was a teen.
Pegging
Men typically experience a very different form of sexual pleasure than we do, they experience an acceptance of their body into another. Women’s bodies on the other hand accept another into them. Pegging allows men to feel vulnerability and accept sexual submission from another.
Feeling Emotions
Men aren’t allowed to feel emotion, they are taught from a young age that feeling is bad. Boys don’t cry. Like hell they don’t! Why do you think we have so many confused young men, so much violence in schools? Boys are very alone with their emotions and they don’t feel comfortable to express themselves. Rather than teach them to have deep emotional connections and express their feelings, we medicate them. While the medicines may or may not work, they imply that something is wrong or broken with them. In very few cases is something wrong, they simply don’t know how to express themselves! I guess I went on a bit of a rant there.
Conclusion
We need to shift the objectification to the boys to help them feel sexy. There is absolutely no reason that only 12.1 percent of men should feel sexually desired. I wonder if the recent trend of trans women is related to the objectification of the female body. While gender dysphoria is certainly a thing, I wonder if some go through a transition in search of feelings that they weren’t allowed to experience as a male. I certainly don’t mean to be insensitive to any trans people so I apologize if that came off wrong. Anyway, give me some love or hate in the comments below. Thanks for reading!
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
You knew what he was going to ask before he asked it. His body language said it all. He says something awkward like “hey baby, want to get jiggy with it?” You can respond that you have a headache or just tell him the truth that you just don’t feel like being intimate with him right now. Let’s take a moment to look past his awkward attempt to initiate sex and examine his motivation.
The male sex drive is a wacky thing. His libido is a constant that you can either become annoyed with or learn to manage for the betterment of your relationship. Be open minded and consider that male chastity may be the tool (pun intended) that you’ve been waiting for to help harness this energy. If you are new to the world of male chastity, there should be plenty of reading material on this site and others. I’d suggest that you start with this article about the male chastity fetish as it will help you understand what you both stand to gain by bringing a dinky little lock and key into your bedroom.
Let’s get back to his motivation, he wants sex because he either needs to feel connected to you or because he needs a release for his pent up sexual energy. Next time he asks, consider telling him to get his cage. Be very clear that it isn’t a punishment for asking, this is a solution to satiate his sexual needs. By locking him, he will feel connected and intimate with you. It will prevent him from going to the other room and releasing his sexual energy by himself. Lastly it will further amplify his sexual energy and redirect it back toward you in a way that is less awkward (hopefully) and by extension make you feel closer and actually want to have sex.
This isn’t a punishment. In fact, my opinion is that his cage should rarely if ever be used as a punishment. He is attempting to initiate because he wants to be closer to you and he wants to share intimacy with you. Locking him up is a response to his request and fulfilling his need. By locking him, you are giving him both intimacy and support. It may not be the way that he requested it but sex need not always be the exact way that it is requested. Few guys will directly ask you to lock them up but sexual support in a relationship can be fulfilled in a million different ways aside from the traditional act.
When he asks, be flirty and creative with your responses so you can keep a tone of playfulness in your relationship. Despite the fact that you are denying his specific request, realize that you are validating and fulfilling his need for intimacy and sexual support. What are some creative ways that you can respond to his request?
Directly:
Not right now but I’d love to hold your key until I am ready. Go put your cage on.
How about you lock him up for a while? Go get your key my love.
I don’t want to do that right now but I you can do something for me. Go lock yourself and then bring me the key.
Show me how bad you want me, lock yourself up and fetch my key.
Let’s share a bottle of wine and lock you in your cage tonight. What do you say?
I bet you would look really sexy in your chastity cage. Go put it on for me.
Teasing:
I don’t want to have sex right now but why don’t you go put on something sexy for me. Your cage.
Sex huh. When was the last time you jerked off? Why don’t we lock him up for a while first so you can build up some energy?
Ooh I can really use an orgasm after a day like today! Why don’t you fetch my vibrator after you lock yourself up. Don’t worry love, you can sit on the edge of the bed.
No sex tonight but let’s get your cage and watch some porn together!
I need some oral love, let’s lock him up and you can go down on me.
If he enjoys playful humiliation:
With that little thing? Not until you grow an inch or two! While we are on the subject, why don’t you go lock him up for me.
Scolding:
If the requests are too frequent. This one is almost punitive.
You know what is really sexy? When we make out and cuddle without you pressuring me for sex. Let’s cuddle together after you lock it up and bring my key.
Now that he is locked; tease him and most importantly, don’t feel bad. Feelings of guilt can be common but they are misplaced. He enjoys this and while locking him up in a cage may not be sexually exciting, it is certainly amusing and his behavior changes are incredible.
Playing with chastity is whatever you make of it. At the vanilla end of the spectrum, this can be an innocent game to toy with his sex drive. Toward the middle of the spectrum, this can be a game ripe with denial teasing and light humiliation and perhaps a little bit of pegging. At the extreme side of things, you can include other fantasies that you decide as a couple are right for your relationship such as cross-dressing or cuckolding. Chastity is not synonymous with any other fetishes and is certainly not a gateway drug to some crazy world of sexual depravity.
Know that he will be more agreeable to sexual fantasies that are outside of his normal comfort zone when in chastity. I would recommend having conversations with him on an empty sack, if you will. Conversation about expanding the spectrum of what is sexually acceptable in your relationship is best had while both of you are not in a highly aroused state.
I know that I sometimes take flak for suggesting that women aren’t sometimes the sexual driver in the relationship. This is absolutely true, men and women both have varying sex drives and some men have very low sex drives just as some women have very high sex drives. The fact of the matter is, men are biologically wired to require a sexual outlet. Further, our society tells them men that physical intimacy is superior to emotional intimacy. Sex is also a boost to self esteem of men due to our culture’s idea that sex is what makes a man. There are lots of flaws in our society and the way that boys and men are conditioned. Both of you deserve an amazing sex life and using tools such as chastity to break down walls and experience intimacy in other ways will do wonders for your relationship. Women on the other hand are wired to be sexually active for a period of time and then grow weary of their partner in search of other mates. Our sex drives shut down to an extent and we must focus on the feelings that aroused us about our partner in the beginning. Rather than an animalistic push for intimacy, it is a gradual build up of emotional connection which leads to a more passionate and intimate lovemaking session. Understanding how you and your partner are wired is essential to ensuring that you both have the physical intimacy that you want from your relationship.
So give it a shot! Chastity devices are inexpensive and easy to purchase discreetly. Although we did have a ton of fun shopping for a chastity device at a sex shop one time. The clerk’s face said it all; barely restraining laughter yet feeling so bad for Kev’s plight. There is a level of taboo associated with chastity and while I personally believe the taboo is undeserved there is no doubt that it exists. Playing with and embracing that taboo can be a fun thing to toy with. Threaten to mention it to one of his friends or even ask him to show his cage off to one of your friends. You control how far this goes and how public you make it. The important thing is that you have fun with it together. His sex drive gains a huge boost and your sense of sexual empowerment receives an even bigger boost. Chastity is truly a win-win in the sex lives of nearly every couple with at least one partner that has a penis.
Do you have ways to ask him to put his piece under lock and key? I know that I am always looking for ideas so post your ideas in the comments below!
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
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