I was at a local coffee shop and saw the cutest old couple sipping their coffee and staring lovingly into each other’s eyes. As I sat with my coffee and watched as they were deeply engaged in conversation and focused on each other. I thought to myself, these two are clearly still enamored with each other after what may be 20, 30 or even 40 years of marriage. I thought up names for this couple and I thought up the backstory of how they met, how many kids they had and what they did for a living prior to retirement. The man got up to use the restroom and the woman looked over at me, caught my stare and we exchanged smiles. I feel like we see fewer smiles since our faces are covered with masks due to COVID (I feel like the preceding sentence will date this blog in about a year. Note to future self, remove that sentence in a year to keep this blog relevant. Sorry my A.D.D. flared up for a moment there.) So me being who I am, I decided to walk over and ask this sweet lady the secret to a long and happy relationship.
I smiled and said, the two of you look so happy. What is your secret? She smiled and replied that they play like they are teenagers and she said that her husband is her best friend. I let out an audible aww and she smiled at me. I asked how long they had been married and she told me they had been married four wonderful years. Not at all the narrative that I had created in my head. By her response, I knew that she caught the puzzled look on my face. She said that this was her second husband and they both had lost their spouses. As I started to say an obligatory “I’m sorry”, she waved her hand to dismiss my obligation and told me that they both wanted to just enjoy what time they have left. They found each other and decided to have a good time and be silly and fun together. I thanked her, smiled and walked back to my table as her husband returned from the restroom.
As I sat there, sipping my seven dollar macchiato, I played that conversation back and it made me think about the relationship at play blog that I wrote several years ago. This lovely woman’s statement made me want to revisit that blog. What I read into our brief conversation is that she was probably married to her late husband for a few decades and raised a few children together. At some point they lost the spark and their marriage became transactional and mundane. They stayed together because that’s just what you do. His passing, while clearly devastating for her caused her to get back out there and it re-lit a fire of passion and excitement in her.
The previous blog I referenced discussed being playful, spontaneous and filled with loving teasing. In the last year, I think we’ve all come to realize just how fragile life can be. We take everything so seriously and our lives or our partner’s lives can be taken from us without warning. I am not trying to be a downer but I am trying to cast a veil of “don’t take it too seriously” across everything in life. Will it matter in 5 years? No? Then don’t sweat it!
Our time with our partner is too short already. Once we find someone that truly “gets us” and is worthy of our time and commitment, make the best of your time with your person. Kev is defiantly my person and my best friend. We joke, we play and for the most part we are devoid of any real drama. When I do something that upsets him, he is great about communicating. When he does something that upsets me, I do my very best to tell him right away. Communication is the key to a successful relationship but a close second is play.
A playful mentality is casting aside cares of what other people think and doing silly things anyway. Being playful takes the drudgery of a trip to the supermarket and makes it fun. Just the other day, I went shopping with Kev and he rolled a soup can down the entire length of the supermarket aisle to me. An employee passed by and laughed at us as I picked the soup up and set it in my shopping trolley (I said trolley for the benefit of our UK readers) this clearly brought laughter to his day as well. Joy and laughter are infectious and they impact those around you.
This blog is about evolving a relationship into something that brings everyone joy. Playfulness and happiness are the source of joy. When people look back at their relationships, they think of those playful, adventurous and happy moments. Feeling like your relationship is stale? Challenge yourself to do something new and exciting together. Take dancing lessons, sign up for a yoga class or maybe take cooking lessons. What about sexual experiences? With the hormonal impact that sex has on our lives, this one can’t be understated. I dedicated this entire site to being sexually playful with each other. Locking your husband’s penis in a cage? Are you fucking kidding me? If you can do that with a straight face, you are taking yourself way too seriously. What about pegging? Does it get any sillier than strapping on a fake dick and fucking your partner with it? What about sex in general. People bouncing on each other, grunting and moaning until the man shoot something out of him and into the woman while they make funny faces at each other. This clip from the movie Dogma is a great reminder about how silly our lovemaking can be. If your sex is sometimes silly and awkward, don’t try and fix it. It is impossible to be silly and awkward without a smile on your face.
A playful disposition removes the two absolute worst traits of humans in our society; entitlement and narcissism. You want some proof that play is good for your relationship? Here are a few articles about the topic, I found the last one to be pretty fascinating. If you have the the time, take a moment to at least scroll to the bottom and read the conclusion.
Playfulness in romantic relationships was predicted to be positively associated with the experience of positive emotion. Positive emotion, in turn, was predicted to be associated with relationship satisfaction.
…good convergence with potential relationship-strengthening positive behaviors (the core of a playful lover). Men and women high in Eros rated their partner high in global, Other-directed and Intellectual playfulness.
The literature suggests that playfulness facilitates the experience of positive emotions, relates to potential biological processes, and how people communicate and interact with others (i.e., social skills such as dealing with stress by seeking social companionship and surprising others in daily interactions). We assume that individuals’ playfulness affects the partner and the couple as an interdependent unit as well; for example, by contributing to RS, reducing conflict (e.g., by solving interpersonal tension) and monotony (e.g., by engaging in an active and fulfilling sexual life), and building trust with the partner.
Don’t take sex or relationships too seriously. Our bodies are silly, the silly toots we make when we fart are silly. Take the time to be confident and playful. Be open minded enough to see your relationship for what it is; a chemical reaction and familiarity and agreement to partner. Play with your biology and gamify anything that you can. For example, I’ve found that locking my partner’s penis in a cage changes his subconscious focus to be on pleasing his partner. I’ve found that strapping on a silly rubber penis and penetrating my partner opens his mind to intimacy and creates emotions around sex that have never existed for him.
Make time for sex.
Sex is essential for keeping that bond and keeping a constant playfulness alive in the relationship. If sex dies, the tone of playfulness dies with it. My definition of sex is VERY broad, however. It doesn’t need to be the normal grunty thrusty penetratey that can get monotonous and boring with time. Sex is everything from locking his cock up for a week and teasing him a few times a day to keep his hormonal levels high to poking some fun of his little willy.
Lock up his weenie!
Male chastity is a great way to disrupt the traditional relationship dynamic and keep your sex life fresh. Not only is it empowering to be in control but wearing a key anklet or bracelet is a great way to get his hormones racing every time you jingle your keys. I can’t overstate the allure of having a naughty little inside joke. You will notice a shift in his desire to please within a day or two and his ability to communicate his emotions will follow within a week or two. Male chastity is a great way to keep the teasing and fun alive.
His penis is SOO small!
Tease him about the size of his penis! Why on earth would you do this? Creating an emotional response manipulates his hormonal levels by poking at his insecurities. Whether valid or not, men are incredibly self conscious about the size of their little guy. This creates uncertainty and anxiety and threatens you, his sexual supply. Our society equates size with virility when the fact of the matter is – many of us don’t want a big honkin’ thing. All you have to do is hold his penis in your hand and make a few jokes about size and you will see exactly what I mean. Little will boost his testosterone and arousal more quickly than a few nicely placed comments said in good fun (of course).
Penetrate him with a strap-on dildo!
Flipping the script on sex allows him to accept vulnerability as a part of sex. Since we first became sexually active, vulnerability is an essential part of sex for us. Sex is about accepting something inside our bodies and not inserting our bodies into someone else. From the first time he experiences sex as a receiving experience, it will be a mind blowing experience. It took me a couple times to warm up to pegging because it is so foreign and weird but once I got the hang of it, I now absolutely love it. To give you an idea, pegging is more frequent in our household than PiV sex. I wrote about how it makes me feel and I must say; the feeling is addictive!
Poly-friending
I coined the phrase poly-friending because I don’t like the other terms out there. To me, a poly-friend is basically a friend with benefits for a woman in a partnered relationship. This is a guy whom she has chemistry and some sort of a physical connection with. This can be kissing, cuddling, making out and more. Your partner can be present or your partner can stay home and allow you alone time. I personally think that having your partner present is better in that he experiences compersion as you flirt and unlock your flirty and sexual side for another person. I should be very clear that many women do not need a sexual relationship to get much of the benefits of having a secondary relationship. A relationship limited to innuendo and flirting is perfectly fine and never needs to progress any further.
Just enjoy the connections that you are able to experience! Open your mind to understand that our society’s strict expectation of monogamy is malformed and outdated. It is unwise and unfair to expect that one person can be the complete source of your mental and sexual satisfaction, stimulation and excitement. Do you feel chemistry with someone? Discuss this with your partner and consider a very real possibility of stepping out and exploring that chemistry for a moment.
Sex creates a bond
Sex creates, reinforces and maintains connections and intimacy with a partner. Sexual play is reflected in a tone of playfulness in your relationship. If you have sex with your partner, you directly reinforce that intimate connection with your partner. If you have sex with another, discuss and enjoy this connection with your partner. Communicate the feelings that you experienced. Talk about the things that you liked and the things that you disliked. This one is will probably be controversial, but tactfully compare the experience with your lover to that of your partner. If he was bigger, smaller, faster, slower, fatter, skinnier, taller, shorter; don’t shy away from that conversation. That was all part of your experience and part of the communication that you should have about it.
The opposite of play is work
If you aren’t playing, your relationship is by definition going to be work. How long will you feel satisfied in a relationship that is work? Many women find that maintaining frequent sexual activity in a long term relationship to be work. I would argue that this is because they don’t do enough to make it exciting and fun. Tease your partner, poke his emotions and provoke the unexpected or uncomfortable. It is only with discomfort that we grow as individuals and together as a couple.
Our desire for sex will ebb and flow, keeping other sexually playful options on the table and ensuring that you are sexually active with your partner is essential. How frequent should you do something sexual? This is entirely dependent on the couple but if I am not doing something sexually playful at least a few times a week, neither of us feels truly connected. Just don’t take it all so seriously, alright?
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
The fact that you are even asking how you can be a better husband speaks volumes. In this blog you will find conventional wisdom supplemented some unconventional ways to be a better partner. Being the best husband is ultimately about waking up every morning and making a conscious decision to be a wonderful partner. The simple and continual desire to be better will almost guarantee your success. If you’ve been around the site a while, you know that most of my blogs are written to a woman who is trying to help her husband. This blog is different than most and is for husbands who want to be a better partner. Let’s start by asking why. What about her makes you strive to do better; to be better? So let’s get on to your question.
How can I be a good husband?
The fact that you are even trying shows that you have the desire to be a good husband. You have the desire to be a better partner. Let’s talk about what most men want from a marriage. A best friend, an emotional safe space, respect, support, encouragement, vulnerability and physical intimacy. Guess what fellas, we want the exact same things! We mix the order up a bit and there is an interesting outlier in the list; respect. Not the Aretha Franklin song but feelings that your wife respects you. You earn her respect when you consistently consider and value her feelings. When you make time for her, introduce her to others, never hide things from her and you take care of yourself physically. The needs of men and women aren’t that different really. There are many ways that we differ but
Where do we differ?
Men are problem solvers by nature and women often just want to be heard. Helping us solve our problems can actually seem unsupportive.
What about courtship?
Courtship is that thing you did when you were getting to know her. You took her out to dinner, you held the door for her. She was the object of your affection and the center of your attention. During that time you would actively try to impress her with your jokes, conversational banter and skills.
All he wants is sex!
Men get a bad rap for wanting sex all of the time. We raise boys and tell them not to show emotions and never to cry. We actively push boys to hide their emotions and tell them that real men don’t have emotions. Guess what, women want a man who can share emotions with her. Common parenting doesn’t set men up to be successful partners. Men who accept the emotionless, stoic lie will never be good partners until they adapt. Humans are not emotionless, humans are full of a wide range of exciting emotions from high highs to low lows. A partner wants to experience that roller coaster of emotions with you as a partner. To have a emotionally fulfilling relationship, you should both be fully engaged in your marriage and neither of you should be an observer.
Your body seeks sexual supply.
Your body is hard-wired to reproduce, you do want sex and there are biological reasons why you do. You want to eat, drink, sleep and reproduce. You won’t be changing that anytime soon so you need to change the details of your supply by creating a supply scarcity If you aren’t hungry, you won’t go out hunting to capture food. If you aren’t thirsty, you won’t seek a water source to quench your thirst. If you don’t feel like your sexual supply is scarce or threatened then you won’t seek to protect or strengthen it. Removing sex from your relationship doesn’t seem like a feasible way to improve your marriage so how can you trick your body into thinking that your supply of sex is at risk? A fight will make you feel some uncertainty, you may even buy some flowers to fix whatever caused the fight. Constant fighting won’t be a solid marriage plan although we all know couples who seem to subscribe to it.
You must be crazy if you think I’ll give up my orgasms!
Nobody is asking you to give up your orgasms, all I am suggesting is that you look at sex differently. See sex as a journey and not a destination. When the finish line isn’t in sight, your sex will turn from an awkward thrustfest to passionate melding of two bodies. Most men really struggle with this and they do need help from their partner. First to understand the why behind the change and second to support him by holding him accountable for each and every one of his orgasms. Most men masturbate far too frequently for this to be remotely effective. The orgasm is the supply and frequent self-love removes the requirement of any sort of emotional connection with your partner. Sex can (and should) end without orgasm some of the time. A couple that experiences that simmer-down period together has a wonderful opportunity to connect and communicate with each other.
How can we trick your body?
If your body thinks that you are not getting sex, your innate desire to court her will return. Your attention will focus on her. How can you trick your body into thinking that you aren’t getting sex but still get sexual stimulation that you need to have a fulfilling relationship? The trick is to control and minimize your orgasm. Western culture has conditioned us to believe that sex=orgasm at least when it comes to men. If a man ends a sex session without an orgasm, the woman is some sort of blue ball inducing monster. Orgasms feel great but they also release hormones that tell us all is well and quench your thirst for sexual supply. The trick is to experience a fantastic sex but stop short of experiencing an orgasm. This seems crazy since we see male orgasm as the finish line to a sexual experience but what if it wasn’t? What if the finish line to sexual experience was some cuddling and perhaps her reassuringly resting her hand on his penis until he got soft once again.
Manipulating Sexual Supply
There are a good number of popular sexual fetishes that are exciting because they threaten our sexual supply. From male chastity to cuckolding, our fantasies manifest your body’s obsession with sexual supply. Threesomes with two women and a male offer an abundance of sexual supply for the male and the inverse with two males and a female offer a shortage of sexual supply for the males. Have you ever watched porn about wife sharing or cuckolding? Both of these fetishes sexualize the threat of losing your mate. This can lead to feelings of perceived sexual shortage. The rush of watching your partner with another man has the potential to give intense feelings of jealousy and even anger. On the flip side of that coin, closely bonded partners can overcome those initial emotions and focus on their partner experiencing joy and pleasure.
Male chastity on the other hand quite literally gives the keys to your penis to your partner and gives her (or him) ultimate control of your sexual pleasure. This level of intense trust takes some getting used to but it can be intensely rewarding.
Dominance and humiliation through SPH or pegging are other ways that we channel these very natural emotions that manipulate our perception of sexual supply.
Fetishes like these can be liberating and empowering for the female but require intense discussion before embarking down this road. Realize that this will only amplify resentment and anger in the relationship if it exists already.
Conclusion
By manipulating the male sexual perception of supply and accessibility, we can gamify the male body to think it is always in a state of courtship. That courtship phase is what gives the female relationship and sexual confidence. This is a wonderful cycle that keeps her emotionally satisfied and sexually charged as if she is always entering a new relationship with new relationship energy (NRE).
If you are reading this blog and looking for next steps, I would highly recommend male chastity. Read some other blogs on this site about chastity and the nearly immediate impact they can have on your relationship. Once you find a properly fitted cage and introduce chastity into your relationship, it is unlikely that the cage will spend much time on the shelf. A couple that incorporates chastity into their relationship has a fun, sexually playful secret that is unlikely to breach trust or cause problems like some other options. It will not only boost her sexual confidence in a significant way but it will trick your brain into thinking that you are in some sort of sex famine. Within just a few days, you will be giving her unsolicited massages and offering unsolicited oral sex. Seemingly overnight, you will be come a better and more engaged listener. Is chastity a miracle cure for a troubled relationship? Chastity won’t resolve any deep conflicts but it will smooth the waters out and help the two of you talk through any major challenges that you may have. What kind of man would give up orgasms and allow his wife to completely control the sexual aspect of their relationship? The kind of man that has wonderfully intimate relationship with a woman that he can call his best friend, that’s who. What do you have to lose? You might like it.
Our bodies are complex but our core desires really aren’t. Our core needs as men and women are only slightly different and I am convinced that much of that is due to the nurture side of the nature/nurture conversation. If I ever have children, I’ll be doing my best to raise an emotionally aware boy or girl. We spend years in school to learn how to count, read and write but no time to learn about the complex animals that we are. If you decide that you want to dive in headfirst, share some blogs with your wife so she comes from a place of understanding and partnership. Then hop into our forums and tell us your story!
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
This won’t be a blog to validate non-monogamy or cuckolding, that is a topic for another day. In this blog I am simply exploring the appeal among men and women for a cuckold type relationship. Cuckolding for those new to the conversation is when a woman has sex with another man outside her primary relationship. While I know that other variations exist, I’ll limit the discussion to that scenario alone. A myopic view of cuckolding will help us analyze this more closely without getting too sidetracked by other variations. We can hit those up in a future blog if necessary. I’ll also state up front that I dislike the term cuckold and much prefer the term poly-friending which I see as a better and healthier explanation of this type of relationship. I’m going to bite the bullet and use the term that I dislike. Just know that I wince each time I type it.
Why would a woman want to take a lover while she is in a committed relationship with a man? This defies many of our societal norms and has the potential to erode a marriage/primary relationship. Women in our society are treated as objects to be won and their affection something to be earned or purchased rather than given freely. While the female sexuality is stunted, she consumes birth control drugs that further compound the muting of her sexuality. Taking a lover awakens the sexuality within her and makes her feel desired. To experience chemistry and newness that disappears in even the best committed long term relationship. This is natural, those butterflies don’t stay around forever and they feel good. Really good. Taking a lover allows her to feel those things again that awaken her sexuality and feel new, different and desired. This doesn’t mean that the husband has any flaws whatsoever, this isn’t about him. This is about her and her ability to experience sexuality. The man is her support network; her emotional partner and if she is lucky, her best friend.
Women are arguably more complex when it comes to love. Women experience emotions more intensely then men and share their emotions more freely. While there is an argument of whether the dichotomy is nature/nurture, the difference exists. Many strong emotional male partners recognize this difference and make strides to understand the changes that they can make to help ensure that her needs are fully met. Aside from emotionally supporting her, there isn’t much he can do about things outside of his area of influence such as her work and drama in her family and circle of friends.
Why would a man want his wife/partner to take a physical lover while in a relationship? In our society, the term cuck has been equated to weak and emasculated men but that hasn’t always been the case. Throughout history men have shared their mates in sexual nonmonogamy while maintaining a strong primary emotional relationship with her. If he is committed to supporting her physical and emotional needs; he wants her to be happy. For a closely bonded couple, her happiness is capable of bringing him joy through compersion. Men have an innate need to see their partner’s needs satisfied and cuckolding is a way to ensure that she be satisfied.
For many men, watching his partner is one of the most arousing experiences the he can ask for but what are some common reasons women cite for bringing outside physical intimacy for the female?
New sexual energy to boost her stalled/struggling libido.
Boost in her self esteem and sexual self-image.
Overcoming the man’s shortcomings whether perceived or actual. (impotency, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, smaller size etc).
Wanting to fulfill a fantasy that they have discussed.
Mismatched sexual libidos.
What happens when cuckolding happens for the wrong reasons? What if he is doing it to be manipulative and controlling? What if he objectifies her to the point that he feels he is gifting her wife to another man? This is clearly counterproductive and will leave both partners feeling empty. What if she is doing it to test the waters and escape a relationship she is not fully invested in? If both partners are doing it for the right reasons it can be an incredibly rewarding experience. Couples with abandonment issues, relationship anxiety and those who struggle with self confidence should consider keeping this a mere fantasy. Those who feel like their relationship is on solid ground may want to explore this unique relationship dynamic. Go slowly and check-in constantly with your partner. Accept that either partner may pull the plug at any time.
One detail to this type of relationship is the presence of the husband. Should he be present on dates between the wife and her suitor? Should he be present in the bedroom during sexual activities? These are details that should be discussed but my personal opinion is that both are important. It is important for the wife to develop a bond with her boyfriend as most of us don’t find it fulfilling to hop into bed with someone that we don’t have some sort of emotional connection with. If you can develop an emotional connection with your husband present, go for it! Some couples find that the mental spark is present between all three and that is a wonderful way to experience this. On the flip side, some couples separate the husband and allow the wife to have an entirely separate relationship and only introduce the husband to the boyfriend as a formality.
I suppose the biggest concern is jealousy and how comfortable the husband is with that particular emotion. Kev has never been an overly jealous person and agrees that intimacy is something that can be shared without fear of loss. To confront jealousy directly, consider that it may not be a useful emotional reaction. If you look at sexual experiences as a consumable resource. There was one of “sex” and someone else got it instead of me, it is easy to see how jealousy could come into play. If you see sex and love as fluid and potentially limitless then they lose their scarcity. Jealousy is directly connected to fear of loss. If you accept that you want your partner to be happy regardless of whom they are with, the fear of loss virtually disappears.
Having experienced this type of relationship personally, the act of being intimate with my boyfriend made me fall deeper in love with my fiancé. The three of us were closely connected from the very start and the relationship stared as a friendship and eventually moved in together to weather the pandemic lockdown. My primary relationship was a constant and neither of us questioned our commitment to each other. The primary sexual relationship would at times be my live-in boyfriend and at other times would be my fiancé Kev. Sometimes the sexual experience would involve all three of us and other times just two would participate. The wonderful thing is that both guys left the sexual experience up to me and that was incredibly empowering. I think the freedom to feel safe while surrendering myself to my desires made me feel closer and more open and mentally able to accept love.
My relationship with my boyfriend, Andrew was a great chapter in my life but it ended when he moved away. You can read more about how it developed on blog posts that began just over a year ago. It started with a game of ping pong and became so much more than that. I love being in the spotlight and this experience was the epitome of being the center of attention. While they didn’t argue or fight about spending time with me, it was clear that I was the midpoint of the polyamorous v with Kev being my primary. There is a whole language to polyamory, check out this poly glossary for an introduction to poly terms. We had planned to visit Andrew in August but the whole Covid/delta variant situation disrupted our travel plans. We have now rescheduled for November, hopefully we can make it work. I wonder if all three of us will pick up like nothing happened or if there will be some situational awkwardness to get over. I know Kev and I are looking forward to it. We do facetime from time to time and that never seems awkward so hopefully things are normal.
For many couples, a poly relationship of any kind violates much of what they hold dear in a marriage. Some women don’t have an innate need for attention or validation from anyone but their husband. All I ask is that you be open minded and have conversations to see if this is something that you might want to consider. If you decide to move forward, plan it as a one-time thing and follow the experience with lots and lots of communication. If you find that it meets your unique needs then continue until it stops meeting your needs. Have open communication with your third wheel so he understands that his involvement may be intermittent. If he wants to be involved, the stop and go nature is something that he will simply need to accept. Aside from the guidelines that you set, there are no rules when it comes to this sort of relationship. This means all three of you can go out and any mixture of twos can go out as well. Closeness between all three partners will discourage jealousy, resentment and keep the lines of communication wide open.
Can cuckolding be a validation of love? I think it can. While I don’t think including another in a relationship means that either partner must compromise, I do think the adjustment to “normal” in a relationship requires an open mind. That open mindedness can only come from a broad view sense of relationship that can only come from a place of love. While I make a case for a physical relationship outside of your primary relationship in this blog, it isn’t right for everyone. My perspective comes from a very intimate cisgender, heterosexual relationship. Not all relationships mirror ours and that is ok but I can’t write from a relationship perspective other than my own.
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
The world around us is full of mutually beneficial symbiotic relationships! Think of the bee and the flower, barnacles on whales the list goes on and on. Now think of parasitic relationships, fleas on dogs, mosquitos on humans or aphids on plants. When you think of your relationship, which comes to mind? Clearly there is some compromise with the symbiotic relationship but it isn’t single sided. The single sided relationship leans toward being parasitic. You probably see where I am going with this; a relationship needs to be mutually beneficial for both parties.
When a woman seeks a marriage, she is looking to be your number one. She seeks your intimacy, your vulnerability and she needs to feel like you are on her team. She needs to feel attractive in the psychological sense and secondarily in the physical sense. Women need to feel supported, developed and encouraged as a partner and as a lover. If you focus on her as a lover, your partnership and friendship wanes. If you focus on her as a partner and not a lover, your emotional connection will suffer.
Men need respect, they need attention and they need affirmation, encouragement and approval. While we instantly leap to sex being the way to a man’s heart, it really isn’t the sex. Saying “all he thinks about is sex” is a failure on many levels. Sex is a means with which to show love, respect and approval. Sex is a language all in its own and to men, sexual attention is the ultimate way to demonstrate importance in a marriage.
I am completely oversimplifying things but there is a symbiosis of both psychological and emotional bond between a couple and it is deep. Of course I speak from the heterosexual relationship as I normally do because it is my context but this isn’t much different for two men or two women. Learn what your partner needs and be the supply for that need. If you are the supply, they will never seek that supply elsewhere.
While many of my blogs are intentionally sexually manipulative, I never seek to withhold what my man needs. I simply seek to control the means of delivery and ultimately how he receives it. I know Kev needs sexual attention and I choose to give him my attention nearly every day with a full orgasmic release once a week. I never withhold the attention, only the release so he is constantly in a highly euphoric and aroused state. While this might seem crazy to some, it manipulates the animal side of him to benefit his human side and ultimately improves our relationship.
Do you speak the same language as your spouse? Does he speak yours? Set aside time to discuss your relationship and communicate about your needs. Think about how you feel and why you feel that way. Are your needs being met? Are you attempting to communicate with your partner in the way that you want him to communicate to you or are you communicating in his language.
My blog is about relationships and I’ve re-read the five love languages book by Gary Chapman multiple times. I think he is on to something but he cuts short in terms of sex. Another book by Douglas Weiss goes into the 5 Sex Languages which I think is an important distinction. Sex is a much deeper topic and it merits a book to expand upon it. I found the grammatical errors distracting but overall the book was quite insightful into sex as a means of emotional expression.
Consider a D/s relationship. While at first glance, you might the dominant is parasitic and taking from the sub it might not be so. The sub takes from the dom in the same way the dom takes from the sub. In a perfect D/s relationship, it is symbiotic and both the sub and dom get what they need. It is also very possible for the sub to be the parasitic side of the relationship. Knowing little about this type of relationship and trying to steer clear of the BDSM world (or at least lean vanilla) with this blog, I’ll leave it at that.
What do you think? Do you have a symbiotic relationship or does one side lean toward being parasitic at times? I know enough about myself to know that I lean toward being parasitic at times. I make a conscious effort to communicate and make sure that I am giving back when I feel like our balance is changing. Kev also communicates his needs when they are not being met or feel like they are becoming secondary. Communication is the key to maintaining the healthy balance of symbiosis.
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
There is a big disconnect in the world of male chastity. Men like to hint to their partner about wanting to be locked up. In many cases the men simply show the woman a link to a cock cage and say something cryptic like “I want you to lock me up”. Ok but why? The reasons are far deeper and the intent is far more pure than many women think at first glance. What some of you might not know is that I spend some of my time as an amateur life coach for couples. This site has given me the opportunity to enter the lives and the bedrooms of many couples and learn what makes us all tick.
Let me start with a email that I recently helped a man write to his wife of ten years. I’ve copied and pasted this letter in its entirety with his permission.
Dear Wife’s Name,
I love you deeply and the intent of this letter is to deepen our love and I ask that you be open minded as my intentions are to be a better partner for you. The author Gary Chapman wrote a series of books based on the love languages that we best give and receive it love from our partner. I’ve read the book and you can read a quick summary here. I would be happy to share my digital copy with you as well. I know you intimately and I know that your primary love language is acts of service. This means that you truly feel loved when I do something for you. Think back to when I’ve done your laundry, made the bed or even cleaned out the rain gutters. You respond with a glow that I see in few other places which is why I love doing things to make you feel special and happy. I adore you as a partner and I could ask for nobody better to share my life with.
As you know, I’ve been spending time researching and learning about ways to better show my love for you and deepen our already intimate relationship. I’ve been reading a blog that helps me understand how to channel my love language which is physical touch into your love language of acts of service. This blog is called evolving your man and is written from a female perspective to help other couples who share dissimilar love languages. If we both shared the same love language, it would be easy to feel loved all of the time. Since our languages are different, this site has helped me translate your language into mine.
Physical touch is more than sex, it is deeply rooted in the male sex drive and the male need to feel wanted. I know that you love feeling wanted and love the compliments that I give you while you are getting ready to go to the office. I love feeling the same and I love feeling needed. The blog recommends the use of semen retention as a means to help redirect my sexual energy toward performing acts of service. Semen retention involves limiting my orgasms to keep my sexual energy high and use that energy to perform tasks to make you feel loved. If I haven’t lost you here, my love I am quite thankful for your open mindedness. When we have sex and I cum, I lose the energy that powers my sex drive. This would entail limiting those orgasms by denying me the opportunity to do so.
What am I asking of you? I ask that you, and you alone limit when I may cum. You know that working from the house leaves me with long periods of time where I am alone. I know that you are aware that I masturbate without you from time to time. What I don’t think you know is that I masturbate at least once a day as part of my daily routine and sometimes two or three times. I know that taking my energy and disposing of it into a tissue is not fair to you. While you have an open minded view of masturbation, I know that each act of orgasm takes energy from me that should be spent pursuing you and making you feel loved. Some element of chase is necessary for our relationship so you feel wanted and desired just like when we were first dating. Do you remember how I made you feel? Our marriage is wonderful but I miss the way your eyes would light up and I want to make you feel like that again.
This next part is difficult for me to write because I know it will be a challenge for me. If you wish, I would like to trust you to take over the orgasms in my life. I want you to ration them back to me at whatever interval you feel best. The male sex drive is very strong and I know that I won’t be able to do this on my own without letting you down so there are small inexpensive locking devices that will allow you to literally lock my penis to prevent orgasms. The author of the blog I mentioned limits her boyfriend to one orgasm every seven days. When we have sex, I would simply stop before my orgasm but you would continue to enjoy orgasms as you normally do. The key here is teasing and making my sex drive run strong because all of that drive goes straight back to you in the form of your love language.
I know that probably sounds crazy but I want to take a very intentional step to show you how much you mean to me. You are the light of my life and the reason that I wake up in the morning. I know that words are just that but limiting my orgasms will help me show you my love with my actions. If you are open to trying this for a month or two, please let me know. I know you are at work but if you can reply and let me know, I would appreciate it because I am nervously waiting for your response. This is a big change for us but I truly want to show you the love that you deserve in your native language.
Your lover and admirer,
Husband
Writing an email like this must be tough but showing his wife why he wants to control his orgasms is essential to her understanding that this isn’t just some weird sexual fetish. The response from his wife was brief but quite positive.
I love you and support anything that will help me love you more deeply.
Wife
If you want to copy and paste this message to your significant other, please do so. I encourage you to explain orgasm denial in such a way that promotes her needs and not just your own. This message was sent several months ago and since then the couple has continued to grow together.
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
It is no secret that marriages are difficult. In fact; up to 63% of marriages end in divorce according to a recent statistic. That statistic was before the pandemic and I know that Covid has been very difficult for many couples as well. There are many components of a successful marriage such as communication, intimacy, love and sex. If any one of those components is broken or missing, someone is settling and perhaps harboring resentment. When one partner harbors resentment, the relationship is stunted since intimacy cannot flourish. Without physical intimacy, your relationship may be reduced to one of friendship, co-parenting, convenience, or co-dependence. In my relationship with Kevin, I don’t feel the butterflies that I did when our relationship was new. This isn’t because Kevin is a bad guy, boring or any other negative thing about him. In fact, this means that Kevin and I are a great match.
When a couple is in a committed relationship, the body stops creating those butterflies. Naturally with trust and intimacy the newness wears away. This isn’t a bad thing, can you imagine if you felt the same level of uncertainty and anxiety after years with a partner? This sexual tension and newness is natural with a new relationship and the novelty and whimsy of a new partner is much of the allure of a new relationship. The hookup lifestyle encourages us to hop from one relationship to the next, constantly searching for those elusive feelings of newness. Having your cake and eating it too would be newness and novelty coupled with the intimacy and partnership of a long term relationship.
Females are inherently challenged with maintaining a sex drive toward a long time partner. Our bodies aren’t wired for it, society makes us feel guilty for it and sex that we determine to be repetitive becomes a chore. Sexual desire discrepancy/disparity is the difference between one’s desired frequency of sex and the actual frequency of intercourse in the relationship. It is said that 80% of couples regularly experience situations where one partner wants to have sex and the other doesn’t. Some partners don’t see the discrepancy as a big problem but this mismatch in libido can lead to all sorts of problems such as resentment and infidelity.
When there is a hint of mismatch, the relationship is in a constant state of famine. The partner who is not getting enough is seemingly never satiated because their level of desire is always higher than the baseline desire of the other partner. We all know the reasons why we don’t want to have sex. Headache, stress, lack of connection, these are all very common reasons why sex doesn’t happen and the woman becomes the cliché housewife that doesn’t desire her husband. The male need to be validated as a man is deprived and he goes to seek his fulfillment elsewhere. It is a self fulfilling circle that can damage relationships irreparably.
Breaking this cycle of sexual desire discrepancy is challenging but not impossible. The first step is for both partners to level-set with the current state of the relationship. Sit down face to face with no distractions and each of you must choose a number from 1 to 10 and speak for a few minutes about why that number was selected. For example, that number may be a three because he doesn’t last long enough when we have sex and only seems to be focused on getting off. The number may be four because he never goes down on her and that is something that she needs sexually. Be prepared for there to be a big discrepancy between one partner’s number and the other. One partner isn’t compromising sexually and may have somewhere close to an 8 or 9. The other partner, doing all of the compromising may be close to a 4 or 5. The goal is to bring both partners to a 6 or 7 and meet in the middle. When both partners are getting their sexual needs met and align on sexual frequency and/or certain selection of sexual activities their numbers grow together. For example, they may align on a 6 but over the course of a year, grow in intimacy where they are both at an 8 or 9. It is unrealistic for either partner to say that their level of sexual satisfaction is consistently at a 10. In fact, I would suggest that the number one and ten are off limits. There is no way that either partner is doing everything wrong, just as there is no way that the partner is doing everything right. This isn’t about criticism, this is about constructive evaluation. Now set a calendar reminder to have this same conversation once a week.
Alright so one partner needs to compromise forever for the sake of the other partner, this seems pretty one sided. Not really! This isn’t always about sex, this is typically about sexual attention which ranges anywhere the mild such as a mutual massage or allowing a partner to masturbate while you watch him or her. It is about making time for your partner sexually. If your partner feels that you aren’t making time for him or her sexually, they will feel that tenfold throughout other areas of the relationship. Men often feel a level of performance anxiety in the bedroom and this stunts their ability to perform or their willingness to put themselves in a situation where they may underperform. Women on the other hand may feel like sex is a chore or something that they simply don’t want to be bothered with. Perhaps they feel like sex is repetitive, mundane, boring or perhaps even physically or emotionally uncomfortable. In both scenarios, this is totally normal! Adapt to your partner and figure out what makes them tick. When you have your weekly level-setting conversation, talk about what turned you on. What worked for you. What didn’t work for you. Communication about sex is uncomfortable but cast that aside for a moment and communicate on a deep level about how sex made you feel.
Men want to feel desired and this is something that they aren’t permitted in today’s society. Men want to feel sexy and that isn’t something our society accepts as a male trait, at least not globally like we do for females. Does this mean that men need to dress in panties and lingerie? This is a possibility for some men but to the great extent, feeling sexy equates to feeling like their sexuality is valuable to you. This is the importance between spitting or swallowing their juices, they want to feel like you find them valuable. Spitting symbolizes that their seed is worthless while swallowing symbolizes that it is valuable and not to be cast away. Similarly, chastity symbolizes that you find their penis valuable enough to lock up and treat the key with reverence. Unlocking it periodically shows that you value this object and the object symbolizes your husband’s sexuality at a very literal level.
Women need to feel like they are worth more than an object for sexual satisfaction. We struggle with body image and we constantly strive to be treated as a person and not some sort of ornament to a man’s life. We are often valued differently based upon physical attractiveness which is a hard pill to swallow. This comes in stark contrast to the male needs. Men don’t feel sexualized. Women feel oversexualized. The compliments that your guy may want to hear are probably never complements that you would want to hear and that is just fine. Would you want to hear “nice tits” every day? Probably not. You would rather hear something like “you look really beautiful today”. On the flip side, your guy would probably rather hear “nice dick” than “you look very handsome today”. He hasn’t felt years of sexualization to diminish the importance of overtly physical/sexual compliments. If you think his dick is nice, tell him.
Our bodies are the summation of parts to be fixed, ogled or perhaps even rejected. We are not a set of parts, we are humans. Just as a man cannot change his penis size, we cannot obsess over the flaws that we perceive about our own bodies. Oftentimes, we allow our perceptions of our partner to feed into these insecurities when in fact they are completely happy with the way that we look. If you have someone who you truly believe loves you for who you are, don’t allow yourself to create a false narrative about how they really feel. Negative feelings about your body shouldn’t prevent you from a physically intimate relationship. Holding back with your physical intimacy is both self destructive and relationship destructive.
An additional thing that we as women do to ourselves is birth control. We take an already challenging hormonal cocktail that is our bodies and add some artificial chemicals that are intended to make our body think we are permanently at the early stages of pregnancy thus altering our menstrual patterns. Long term use of birth control causes some very long term consequences to our ability to become aroused and our ability to empathize the needs of our partner. If you are in a long term relationship and you intend to have kids one day, consider having kids sooner. If you are in a relationship and never intend to have kids, consider getting a snip snip for your guy. Birth control while touted as one of the biggest gender equalizers in the history of the human race is not without some pretty ugly side effects. Don’t allow a chemical to get in the way of your sexual happiness. Being off hormonal birth control is amazing and I highly recommend that you consider it.
For both genders, you are more than the body that you inhabit. You are a person with needs, goals and opinions. As a partnership, you can work together to ensure that both sides of the relationship equation have their opinions heard and that the needs and goals of both partners are met. Use your weekly sexual conversation as a sounding board about what was met and what was not met during the preceding week. Put your sexual relationship on a pedestal. If you fail to make it important, it will quickly undermine the emotional side. Give each other time and value each other. Communicate honestly and openly about your needs.
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
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