Kev and I are newlyweds, we got hitched just two short months ago. While he and I are in our honeymoon period on paper, we've been together for years. We actually have a honeymoon planned for next month so I suppose you could say pre-honeymoon period. Our sex life is great but sex, desire and physical intimacy within the context of marriage is way more complex than it sounds.
What if I was to say that sex with my husband is not sex? It is of course sex by the clinical definition but it isn't sex in terms of sexual satisfaction. That sounds bad but I don't mean it to be. My husband is amazing, we've got an emotional connection and we have sex often. Our physical intimacy is an almost electrifying connection. In fact, I am a believer that consistent sexual experiences together are essential to our strength, confidence and communication as a couple.
He is good enough, he is a wonderful lover and I wouldn't hesitate to call him my soulmate. With that being said, sex with my husband is not the deeply erotic "jump my bones" energy that scratches my sex itch. Sex with him can become routine as with any long term partner and we do our best to keep our bedroom activities fresh. Sex with him is a deeply bonded and there is no way for me to displace the deep emotional connection. We both acknowledge that our sex is primarily emotional and it is not primarily physical.
Typically, women experience the 20% of sex physically and 80% emotionally while men experience 80% of sex physically and 20% emotionally. Kev and I are working to unlock and understand our hidden percentages. I am working experience sex sessions that are 100% physical and Kev is working to experience sex sessions that are 100% emotional in support of my pleasure. I'm certain that we will never reach a sexual pinnacle of 100% in any context but I'm glad to be on a journey of pleasure and understanding with such an amazing man.
Have you ever decided not to pursue a relationship with someone because he seems like more of a friend? At some point, you've likely friend-zoned a guy despite a good personality fit but you just aren't physically attracted to him. You just don't feel that connection and that sexual draw.
It may came as a surprise that all long term emotional partners will eventually enter the friend zone. Rekindling romance will only bring back memories of the chemistry you enjoyed at the beginning of the relationship. You can never bring back what was once a completely chemical reaction. Time has replaced what began as an exciting sexual fling with companionship, familiarity, and family. This is often called compassionate love and involves the brain chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin which are most commonly associated with pair-bonding and family. Replacing passionate love with companionate love is inevitable evolution of a mature relationship. Partnered sex in the context of family is sustainment of that equilibrium.…
“Kev and I are working to unlock and understand our hidden percentages. I am working experience sex sessions that are 100% physical and Kev is working to experience sex sessions that are 100% emotional in support of my pleasure.”
I find this statement incredibly fascinating. I’m sure a lot of couples have found themselves in a similar situation where they are deeply connected emotionally but as they continue to build comfort and familiarity that animalistic ‘jump your bones’ sexual energy is no longer quite there and has been replaced by something else. If you can expound on the moment you had this conversation or series of conversations and what his take on this new journey is I think it would be really helpful.
“In our life, penetrative sex is often replaced with oral sex though none of us are complaining.”
I noticed this statement reminded me of an earlier post where you said something to the effect of “pegging constitutes the majority of our penetrative sex (paraphrasing),” coupled that with the earlier statement about Kev being on a journey to “experience sex sessions that are 100% emotional,’ does that mean penetrative sex for him is going to become a rare occurrence (not counting soaking) and has that been a gradual thing or is he going to be cut off cold turkey, even for just a while (see: “Kev’s journey is distancing himself from the physical”)?
“The details of the experience are discussed at length. What did you like? What did you dislike? How did you feel when…?…We’ve confronted deep topics about jealousy, anger and frustration and with open communication we have come out ahead. Unscathed. Well, mostly.”
Will these things be talked about more at length in future posts? I wholeheartedly disagree that they are not important to post about as these are the tricky bits within these kind of steps in folks relationships that they would need help the most navigating. What was said, how you responded, what does aftercare look like? All these questions and moments would be a good reference point and a help when folks get to that point. Please don’t be bashful in this regard as you have let us in on the other parts of the journey in a not so generalized way and that is a huge part of why we love your writing and perspective.
“While I’ve enjoyed new partners, Kev has experienced new and sometimes challenging emotions. How jarring and unnerving it must be to watch a man pleasure your wife. We’ve been there and we’ve talked through it. How must it feel to see a man with a physical endowment that is larger than your own?”
I really hope this is foreshadowing for details in future posts, by far will be the most informative, interesting, and inspiring aspects of the description of this new journey. Regardless whatever you choose to share we will take and appreciate every bit of it. This is really the only blog I consistently check back in on for updates and new perspective from someone who clearly strives to understand both the physical and psychological parts of intimacy. Much appreciated (sorry if I’ve been long winded)!
The jump your bones energy. That is a great way to put it.
You’re right, this is gone but I think that is ok and perhaps expected for a longer relationship. I think many couples are kidding themselves or embarrassed to admit it but I think most females are not able to keep that sort of jump your bones energy long term. If an emotional connection is not built by the time the physical connection fades, the relationship is doomed.
The conversation began after we experimented with Andrew and has continued for some time. I try very hard to be self aware but desire can be a difficult thing to pinpoint. Kevin’s role in our relationship is very supportive and he finds great satisfaction in my happiness. If I am sexually satisfied, he feels a great contentment as if his manly/partner duty is done. Some men have a great desire to serve, protect and fulfill the needs of their partner.
I will be talking at length about some of these other topics but I didn’t want this blog to be overly persuasive about cuckolding. I don’t think consensual non-monogamy is something that is good for every couple. Some couples should never go past some lighthearted flirting and an overly eager woman pushing this issue might spark jealousy and anger from her partner. Moving too quickly in the world of non-monogamy can create a physically unsafe situation for her if he is not prepared to deal with challenging emotions. Tread slowly, tread lightly and communicate often.
There is some foreshadowing going on but I also don’t particularly enjoy writing about specific events. I like to discuss how unfolding of events impact our relationship and our feelings toward one another. I feel like that is more helpful and better suits the purpose and audience of the site than chronicling the actual events. I’ve started a few blogs and I just lose motivation because I’m just not much of a storyteller. I’d prefer to talk about feelings because I think they are more applicable than sheer voyeurism. The internet has plenty of places to read erotic fiction & non-fiction. Some storytelling is necessary to illustrate salient points so more is certainly to come.
I appreciate your comment and your frequent visits. I will say that I am willing to be more candid in the forum than on the blog posts. Sharing too many details comes off fetishy and can be a turn off to the female audience. If I hook you in with the blog posts I’ve got ya on the hook for the forum. ?
My wife K knows that I struggle with this. I masturbate at least three or four times a week but sometimes more. I give her less attention and I am naturally less focused on her. I don’t think we want to wear a cage but how would this system work?
This speaks to me and my husband. He is on the smaller side and we enjoy playing with others so he can see my hotwife wild side come out. He is a provider for me sexually and I never feel lacking because he makes sure that I get what I need.
This resonated with a conversation that my wife and I had the other day. I don’t think either of us are ready for cuckolding without more conversation but I would love to see act on some of her desires. I miss seeing that glimmer in her eye she deserves to feel alive inside.
Emma – thanks for being open and sharing even this much with us. We’d all love to hear more of the details of course, especially since you mention new partners (plural) but I also understand your desire to not give us a blow by blow account.
I do hope you have a great honeymoon too.
The shift from lust to contentment in relationship is a key one to keeping the fire burning for the long haul even if it isn’t the crazy lust filled bonfire of the start of the relationship.
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