For women it seems like sex and guilt go hand in hand. If we sleep with him too soon, we feel guilty. If we sleep with too many guys, we feel guilty. If we don’t sleep with our boyfriend enough, we feel guilty. Most sexual guilt is self imposed and you may be guilty of some of it yourself. To experience true sexual confidence, we must rid ourselves of years of societally imposed sexual guilt.
When we are young, virginity is a virtue and once we lose our virginity we must overcome the shame of doing so. Learning to physically enjoy sex and embrace arousal isn’t an easy process for most of us. Couple that with overcoming deep levels of guilt for actually wanting to be sexual it is a wonder anyone actually does it. Except maybe for the fact that it feels good. Once we feel like we get a grasp on sex and have a committed partner, he (or she) may guilt us into having more sex than we want. Perhaps guilt us for wanting a different type of sex or a not wanting a certain flavor of sex. We need to teach our children sex positivity and not burden them with years of guilt which they must unlearn. Get them on birth control when they are young and experimenting. Encourage safe experimentation and exploration of their own bodies with toys and masturbation.
Once we are in a relationship and have a committed partner we can feel guilty if our sexual desire isn’t completely on par with their. We can feel guilty for wanting it too much or wanting it too little. We feel guilty and ashamed about sharing fantasies with our partner. Women crave newness in a relationship and crave variety but we feel guilty about finding ways to experience those feelings. One of my best friends jumps from relationship to relationship because she craves the newness that exists in the first six months. When the newness dies, her interest wavers and she has lost a few wonderful partners because of it. Why must we feel shame and guilt about sex parts and why is sexual desire such a negative thing?
What if sex in a relationship is bad? We feel guilty about telling our partner that we are losing interest. What if we hurt his feelings? There are plenty of relationships that are great aside from lackluster sex life. Why must we destroy a wonderful relationship with resentment because we refuse to talk about what is missing? Talk to each other about your sex life and every few months honestly rate your sex life on a scale of one to ten. Is your sex life a four? A two? A ten? None of those answers should be guilt inducing. If your sex life is a two, figure out what the two of you can do to fix things. Can you spice things up with toys or perhaps a fantasy or two? Is he open to chastity or perhaps pegging? Give them a try to kick things into overdrive. Why on earth would you feel any guilt for bringing any of those topics up. What if you’ve had feelings about another guy? Do you keep it a secret and cheat or do you openly tell him that you have feelings that you want to explore. We all feel chemistry from unexpected places and at unexpected times.
Make your own rules and don’t assume that he will follow the exact same rules of monogamy as your grandmother did. There is a very good chance that he wants you to be as happy as possible, most guys really and genuinely do. Give him the chance by communicating your needs. Do you want to feel something bigger, perhaps more muscular? Maybe it isn’t about the physical form at all, perhaps you just want to feel the sexual chemistry of a new connection.
Sorry about my rant. I’ve been talking to someone about her feelings of sexual guilt and it threw me into a mental state that I needed to write about. Writing helps me sort through things and stops me from dwelling on things that I cannot change.
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
Many girlfriends and wives know that their man masturbates but they may not know the extent of the problem. Once or twice a week, what’s the big deal? The problem is the hormonal impact of his masturbation on the quality of your relationship.
I found a free app that I’d invite all of you to try. Ask you partner to create a masturbation habit within the app and share it with you. Ask him to honestly report any time he masturbates. No fudging or skipping a time.
The app allows you to view exactly how big of a problem his masturbation is. When you feel connected, look at the last time he masturbated. When you feel disconnected, look at the last time he masturbated. I imagine that you will see some patterns related to his self pleasure. Kevin and I both downloaded the app but with him locked, it isn’t very useful for this purpose.
Give it a try and see what you think. This app doesn’t sponsor the site in any way, I just wanted to share it with you all. Enjoy and let me know how honest he actually is!
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
We all know that pegging is when a woman penetrates her (typically) male partner with a strap-on. Reverse is the opposite of that with the man wearing the strap-on harness and penetrating the female. Both of these allow the female to experience the pleasure of sexual penetration while the male does not. Both of these may or may not involve the usage of a chastity cage. The two are very similar, let’s go into the differences.
Reverse Pegging
A man who is wearing a chastity cage can typically wear a strap-on harness without the cage getting in the way too much. While he is wearing the harness, he has sexual intercourse with a lovely lady. For the female, this allows sexual intercourse from a penis that stays fully erect and can potentially be larger than her partner typically is.
Fauxing or Fauxking
Fauxing is the act of using a penis sleeve to cover the penis while having penetrative sex. This is very similar to reverse pegging although it typically utilizes a penis sleeve to minimize sensation for the male partner. The word faux means “not real or genuine; artificial” and fauxing applies to the penis being artificial and the sensations for the male being not real. Alternatively a hollow strap-on can be used which combines both pegging and the sleeve into one.
Teasing
Both fauxing and reverse pegging are quite similar and words that I found on subreddits, forums and other places on the internet while struggling to find words for these acts. These words define a type of teasing in which a female can tease the male as part of a female led relationship. Teasing is a wonderful way for a locked male to go deeper into subspace. With either of these, he will visually see his “penis” sliding into her but he won’t feel the accompanied warmth and wetness. If caged he may even feel the uncomfortable tightness as his erection fills the cage. While this isn’t typically painful it can be uncomfortable.
Beginner Cuckolding
Using either of these methods is a great way for a male to enjoy watching his partner enjoy sex in a way that isn’t directly tied to his sexual pleasure. A cuckold scenario or a MFM threesome is a fantasy that many couples have but including a third is inherently dangerous for a relationship or marriage. The frustration of cuckolding can be channeled into arousal and redirected into compersion for the partner. In the same direction, this can be a wonderfully great way for a couple to connect on a very emotional level.
Variety and newness is a thing that I enjoy a great deal. The same sex, night after night will be monotonous and repetitive for almost every couple. Mixing things up, feeling different sensations and hitting different spots is a wonderful way to grow closer to each other and explore sexual pleasure together.
Guilt & Humiliation
In the past I’ve felt a level of guilt while experiencing sexual pleasure while excluding Kev. These are great ways to expose yourself to scenarios where only one partner is permitted physical sexual pleasure. Remember that he will be experiencing a great deal of emotional sexual pleasure and this is a great building block to foundationally shift his sexual outlook. Traditionally men enjoy sex in the most physical of senses. Shifting him to an emotional enjoyment of sex will allow both of you to have a much more fulfilling sexual relationship.
He may feel a level of humiliation while watching her receive pleasure from something larger than he is. Humiliation is a challenging and multi faceted emotion. Depending on your relationship and feelings about humiliation you can watch his reaction and choose to make verbal comments about how much larger/harder the faux device is. Alternatively you can just enjoy it for what it is. This is my preference since it doesn’t equate his worth to his sexual performance and physical characteristics. If you choose to go down the road of humiliation or sph fetish, you can say things about finally feeling satisfied. You can compare to ex-lovers that he may be aware of. You can even allude to the fact that this is your preferred way of having sex.
What does it all mean?
Is your penis on the smaller size? Do you have less sexual stamina than you wish you had? Erection problems? Do you want to try some positions that don’t quite work with the combination of anatomies that you were blessed with? There are tons of reasons why a woman may want to feel a different member inside of her. My personal opinion is that guys who are able to focus on the sexual pleasure of their partner rather than focusing on their own sexual pleasure or ego are truly more evolved. Men who are more evolved and more aware of the feelings of their partner are less selfish and better at deep emotional connections. A deeper emotional connection is a better thing for every relationship. Wouldn’t you agree?
As women we shouldn’t have to worship his penis like some wonderful sexual magic wand. Guys with average penises and average sexual performance can be extremely above average when it comes to partners. Our society tells us that we should be getting everything from our partner and sometimes we make compromises because we feel that our partners should be our everything. Consider for a moment that we both may need to use some tools to reach peak physical pleasure. Does that make him less-than? Absolutely not. Does his penis define who he is? Absolutely not! If your penis defines who you are, you truly are no more evolved than the dildo that I’ve got sitting on my nightstand.
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
We all know that negative reinforcement doesn’t work and chastity cages are not meant as a punishment; at least not the way that I recommend using them. You can choose to see it as taking his sexual freedom away or you can opt to see it as liberating him from a negative sexual feedback loop. Choosing to help him escape the cycle of toxic masculinity.
Remember that our emotions come from our thoughts and choosing to frame something one way will give an entirely different result than choosing to see things as they were intended. Flipping your marriage to a relationship of service and commitment instead of demand and obligation is a wonderful way to remove resentment from your interactions. Love is a daily decision and the way you treat the woman in your life is a choice that must be made on a daily basis. Nobody is forcing you to stay in your relationship/marriage and you are free to leave at any time. If you choose to take a journey of love with the woman in your life, consider these ten ideas to help flip the perspective of your marriage.
1) Say Good Morning
Start every day by reminding her that you are making a conscious decision to love her. Tell her good morning, tell her that you love her. If you are locked, thank her for supporting your sexual needs. If you are unlocked, remind her of your dedication to your relationship by asking if she would like you to lock it for her. The less mental work she must to do constantly remind herself about the situation with your boy parts, the better. Make yourself emotionally accessible and easy to love.
2) Tell Her When You Masturbate
Can you imagine going for months and thinking that your significant other is masturbating a couple times a month only to find out that he is masturbating on a daily basis? When you take matters into your own hands, share it with her and be honest if she asks questions. She may want to know what you thought about when you got off. She may want to know how often you masturbate. Make your self-love an honest topic that you can communicate openly about. There is little question that a man that masturbates is taking sexual energy away from the relationship and washing it down the drain.
3) Talk About Sex
I know, sex is a taboo topic in our culture but in the context of your relationship it should never be. When you have sex of any kind, talk about it. If he wasn’t as hard as normal, discuss it. Talk about possible reasons including distraction, tiredness or perhaps diet & exercise. Rate your love making on a scale of one to ten and honestly chat about what each of you can do better to best satisfy your partner. If talking about sex seems awkward or challenging, consider talking about sex while in an intimate setting. The dock and talk approach is one such method that is extremely effective.
4) Other People
Accept that you cannot be all things to your wife or girlfriend as she cannot be all things to you. Consider that she may fantasize about other men as you fantasize about other women. Do your fantasies about the breasts of the swimsuit model mean that you love your wife less? Of course they don’t! Her fantasies about a man with washboard abs, a swimmers build or perhaps a guy who is packing a little extra down there don’t mean anything either. Openly discuss what turns you on and the physical traits that really get you excited. Take conversations about others from a realm of taboo to a realm of fascination and fantasy. Enjoy your best lives with each other. If you choose to act on any of those fantasies to make them a reality, discuss it openly and determine what you will gain together. Bringing a third into your relationship can be a wonderful way to experience feelings of compersion and excitement as you watch your spouse enjoy a fantasy.
5) Locking It Up
Consider your sexuality and the limited amount of sexual energy that you have as a man. At times, it may seem like you have a stronger sex drive than she does. This is frequently due to the lack of sexual energy that you spend making her feel safe, accepted and heard within the context of a loving relationship. Choosing to lock yourself for her is a loving gift of sacrifice that will allow you both to reap the rewards of connection and romance. The sexual energy that you invested as you were courting her will reappear and even her slightest touch will make you feel intoxicated. The cage redirects your energy and hands your sexual expectations to her in a very literal sense. As you give up your sexual expectations, you transfer that control to her. She feels a greater sense of empowerment and you feel a level of drive and attraction that you felt while you were first pursuing her. Most couples start with chastity as a kinky game that ignites the passion. Many of those couples choose to incorporate a chastity schedule into their relationship and turn it into a lifestyle.
I received a note from an anonymous reader about my use of the term toxic masculinity in the first paragraph. I’d like to be clear that male/masculine attributes are not by definition toxic. Men can be pretty awesome and my use of the term implies those traditionally male characteristics that are negative such as misogyny, homophobia, greed, mansplaining, violence and dominance. Rather than remove the term from this blog, I opted to clarify my usage of the term here. My usage of the term wasn’t intended to be derogatory toward men and it should be acknowledged that women can be equally as toxic. I may do a full blog post about toxic traits in both genders later but for now, this is what ya get! Thanks for reading.
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
I’ve always been an early riser. I get up bright and early every morning while Kev is up late every night. Watching movies, playing video games, whatever he does. I like to get up early and start my day with the sun and end my day when the sun is going down. Approximately 25 percent of us are morning people, 25 percent of us are night owls and the remaining 50 can swing either way as their schedule dictates. I’m definitely in the morning people bucket and can adapt when necessary but what can I say, I like my sleep and I often look forward to the relaxation that sleep allows. Kev is the opposite, we had a conversation last night and I asked if he liked sleep. I wasn’t surprised to hear him say that he finds sleep to be a waste of time and tries to get as little sleep as possible. So how does this couple get on the same page?
Perhaps they shouldn’t be on the same page. I know he enjoys his uninterrupted video game time in the late evening with his friends. I enjoy my morning time, the solitude allows me to be productive and awkwardly watch my handsome sleeping boy with the peaceful expression on his face. That sounds weird but there have been times that I stare at him while he sleeps and hope to god that he doesn’t wake up and catch me admiring the man I love. Now that I’ve admitted to the entire internet about being an absolute creeper. Let’s move on.
The Cage
The cage made an early appearance in our relationship as we implemented orgasm denial into our relationship. The cage allows him to harness his sexual energy and redirect it toward me. Huge benefits for our relationship that I won’t go into now but this site offers a ton of resources if you want to get started and learn more. One of the side effects of the cage is some uncomfortable night time erections. The cages are sized for a flaccid penis and through the day they are intended to hold the entire length of a soft penis comfortably. One of the challenges of orgasm denial is sleeping while caged. While effectively managing erections during the day, overnight erections or morning wood can’t be controlled since they naturally occur during sleep. I’ve often wondered why some cages aren’t designed with a daytime and nighttime mode which might give the wearer a small/supportive setting to use during the day and a large/relaxed setting to use at night. I know these devices are already complex but the intention is never discomfort. The intention is to manage erections and prevent masturbation. I’ve heard of some couples that use a larger cage for sleep and a smaller cage for day use but switching cages every night adds a wrinkle of effort.
The Solution
The solution for the nighttime erections is very easy, go pee. It is often speculated that morning wood prevents men from wetting the bed since it is virtually impossible to urinate with a raging hard-on. Hormone shifts are the real reason behind morning wood, not a naturally occurring way of preventing soiled linens. Either way, a nice wee is a nearly immediate way to make hard things go soft again. It has been a long way coming but I swear my point is just around the corner. Kev tends to get these uncomfortable erections around 4:45am-5am every day. It just so happens that my watch is set to wake me up at 5am every morning. His morning wee and my alarm would often coincide with him deciding to simply stay up with me. Despite some experimentation with the honor system we’ve decided that the cage isn’t going anywhere. This means that his 5am wee isn’t going anywhere either. After so long, his body has grown accustomed to an early wakeup and the early wakeup begets and earlier bedtime. Before too long, our schedules have aligned quite nicely. It doesn’t hurt that I’ve made some requests once I’ve seen him up. From requesting some oral love to telling him how much I’d love to have him make me a cup of coffee or my absolute kryptonite, bacon.
Conclusion
We are all most productive during a certain part of our waking hours and now that Covid seems to be subsiding, we also have jobs to contend with. In our relationship, we’ve been able to use the cage to help align his waking hours with mine. This is incredible because we are able to spend more time together. Then again, it is also important for us to do our own things individually and cultivate our own interests. If his biology simply isn’t wired to be up with you at the break of dawn, don’t force it. Be mindful and respectful of the way he is wired and accept that quality sleep is essential. Your relationship is what you make of it and nobody will be happy if they are forced to become an early riser if they don’t want to be. I just figured that I would share this inadvertent bonus that we’ve received from our adventures with orgasm denial.
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
The stay at home spouse is an increasingly popular role as families adapt to the absence of in-person school. Many men and women are choosing to take a step back from work and focus on the family. As I write this blog, I will do my best to keep it gender neutral since it applies to both men and women who take this role. At the end of the blog I will recap some of ideas for male stay at home partners since I have some personal experience there.
1) Create a Task List or Routine
Without a routine it can be difficult for complete tasks that are set out for him. I have an expectation that an alarm will be set no later than 7am to begin his day. The shared task list will ensure that things are actually getting done and his productivity can be rewarded. The shared list also allows her to add new things to the list and help keep her plate full by delegating household tasks to him. This includes setting doctors appointments, car repairs, home improvement projects and other tasks. Stretch his expectations to learn new skills and do household labor that would otherwise be paid to a painter, gardener or handy man. The cop-out of not knowing how to do something is moot with YouTube on his side; he can learn most any skill if properly inclined.
2) Gain Perspective & Focus
This one is the least tangible item in the list but it is perhaps one of the most important. Gaining perspective and focus is about separating yourself from the day to day and doing something that gives your life meaning. This can be personal development, reading, yoga, online classes, learning a language, playing a musical instrument. If you stop learning, you lose your sense of self. This can also be some sort of hobby or side-hustle, it can be anything that brings your spouse joy in their life. It is unfair for your spouse to expect you to be everything as we can’t be everything to everyone. Gaining perspective an focus is about soaking in the bigger picture, staying positive and making sure that your needs aren’t dwarfed by the other person.
3) Dress Appropriately
There is nothing worse than coming home to a spouse that is still in pajamas and never took a shower. There is an expectation the he or she will be showered and dressed every day shortly after his alarm. The act of getting dressed will start his day off with motivation and the routine will discourage laziness.
4) Take Care of Yourself & Stay Fit
Part of this goes with dressing appropriately but if a spouse is staying home, he or she is expected to maintain a certain level of fitness. If I am working a job, it may be difficult to hit the gym every day and supplement my workout with some home exercises. I am not saying that I expect him to be some musclebound gym stud but I have an expectation of being able to appreciate an above average fitness level if I am the primary breadwinner. This may sound sexist or perhaps a callous expectation but if I am bringing home the paycheck I have certain expectations. Fitness inspires productivity and a fit boyfriend keeps my arousal levels high which is key for both of us.
5) Quiet Time
When I come home, the last thing I want is to be hounded by my spouse. When coming home, I want to decompress and relax prior to hearing about all of the day’s problems and accomplishments. I’m proud of you honey, I really am. Just give me some time and space.
6) Get Out of The House
It is important to get out of the house. We can all become stir crazy or depressed if we don’t make a conscious effort to get out of the house at least a few times per week. If you have errands to do, don’t stack them all into one day even though it may seem more efficient to do so. Life isn’t always about efficiency, get out of the house a few times a week and run errands, volunteer or socialize with friends.
7) Connect With Others
This goes along with getting out of the house but I wanted to specifically call out cultivating interpersonal relationships. This isn’t a brief conversation with a bank teller or a cordial greeting with a grocery store employee. This is an interpersonal relationship with men, women, couples that allows for deep conversation and self expression. The stay at home partner isn’t a literal term, he isn’t expected to stay at home all the time. He has taken on a role which does not involve him taking a job or contributing to the household in a financial way but he is still expected to foster friendships and pastimes outside the house. If he were to expect her to provide all of his emotional stimulation, he would be severely disappointed and she would be exhausted.
8) Meals
It is expected that meals will be provided and ready at the anticipated time. If the spouse has agreed to have dinner ready by 7pm it is expected that dinner will be ready within a few minutes of the expected time. This is of course unless he has informed her of the delay or they have mutually decided on the change of plans. There is nothing worse than coming home hungry and finding out that dinner plans were not as anticipated. This is a great opportunity for him to learn to enjoy cooking and to enjoy providing a home cooked meal for his family. There is no better way to a man (or woman’s) heart than through her stomach.
9) Control Masturbation
Most of us don’t have any idea how much of a distraction his little guy can be. Without rules or expectations, masturbation can become a problem that prevents other tasks from being completed. Masturbation takes key hormones and sexual attention from your spouse. This one is male specific because of the different physiology. Masturbation is selfish and has negative consequences for your relationship and for his overall motivation. I highly recommend either using the honor system or using a locking device to help keep things under control. Idle hands will undoubtedly result in broken masturbation promises so I recommend that you employ some type of device. Specifically a cock cage that can be used to reward productivity and positive behavior. Sexual motivation is an incredible motivator for men with both positive and negative results.
10) Communicate, Connect & Level Set
I’ve laid out some rules that are applicable to my experience but they might not be completely relevant to yours. I recommend that you set aside time to communicate and set expectations. This conversation should be grade of how the week went from both of you. It is important that you aligned your expectations and that both partners validate the stay at home partner’s progress. Communicate freely and openly, resentment is a massive burden for even the strongest relationship to bear.
Gender Role Acknowledgement
The reversal of gender roles is deeper to the male psyche than it may seem. The man has traditionally been the breadwinner and his ability to provide for the family determines much of his perceived value and self-worth; as a man. Role reversal should not be overlooked in this scenario. The man is unquestionably taking on a role that has traditionally been reserved for females. If you don’t think this will bleed into the sexual aspect of your relationship, you are either kidding yourself or consciously choosing to suppress these urges.
Does his decision to work from home or take a hiatus from his job mean that you must immediately lock him in a cock cage and start pegging him? Of course not. What it does mean is that you are treading new ground as a couple and he is taking a role that is presumably new to him in your relationship. As you explore where that takes you, you might begin to see sex differently as it relates to your changed relationship dynamic. Many relationships see sex as a relationship perk earned by the man for providing either financial or emotional resources for the woman. When reversing the roles, things may not feel quite as natural at first. It may simply not feel as natural to take a passive role in the bedroom or with initiating sex.
Taking a more active role in the bedroom may feel more comfortable as it does in my relationship. In my relationship, I use #9 above and strictly control masturbation and ejaculations. We have sex several times per week but ejaculations are saved for specific times, typically once per week. We also enjoy pegging which is a unique gift for a man to give his partner and a showing of trust and complete sexual surrender. I highly recommend it but can almost guarantee that it will be a turning point for communication and intimacy in your relationship.
Conclusion
After the rollercoaster of Covid-19, the scenario of one partner staying at home has never been more lucrative to some families. I highly recommend that you do whatever is right for your family and that includes the stay at home spouse scenario. Know that a stay at home husband is a non traditional role and it may be fraught with challenges. A written agreement may help the two of you stay on course with goals and expectations. The stay at home husband topic continues to be one of the most popular on this site so please share your experiences like this reader did in her Q&A.
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
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