Do you have a husband who is lazy & unmotivated? Are you looking for ways to help regain some excitement in your marriage and in his day to day. Men can be absolutely amazing. Do you remember how he was when you first started dating? He was just like the man he is today but he had an extra something. An extra spark of life. Do you remember the chivalry that you felt when he would open the car door for you? That is all but gone now but what if I told you that it is possible to bring that man back? What if I told you that it was possible to reignite that spark by taking control of your relationship?
First and foremost, make sure that he understands the expectations that you have for him. The expectations of what you want from your marriage and make sure that you let him know that he is capable of being that man. It will likely go on deaf ears but it is important that he know what is missing, at least from his perspective. Don't come at him with an angry tone. Use a tone of compassion and make certain to have some give an take. What can you do to make him pick up after himself? What can you do to help him with the lazy tendencies? Use compassion and make sure that he doesn't think you are attacking him lest he get defensive or shut down. Remind him that you still love him, remind him of the things in your life that are wonderful such as kids and family. Don't be overly critical and try to steer clear from specifics, you don't want this to turn into an argument.
Hopefully the above conversation went well. If not, perhaps try another time with a lighter approach until you get a more compassionate response. Assuming it went well, tell him that you have some ideas that might help give him some extra motivation. Ask if he is interested in hearing some ideas that might bring that spark back. Don't answer right away, tell him that you will do some research and talk to him about it later. Remember that your husband ultimately wants to please you. A happy wife is truly a happy life and both of you know it. So much of his happiness and confidence is derived from making his partner happy.
You could consider threatening him with the lazy husbands act of 1913 but that old law may not be applicable or effective in today's day and age. Let's try a different approach. How about if I told you that there is a pill that will make him subconsciously make him want to make him please you. What if I told you that this pill would also give him a great deal of personal and relationship satisfaction from making you happy. Start the conversation that way, knowing that at his core, he truly does want to make you happy. What I am peddling isn't a pill or even a tonic, it is something that is tried and true and doesn't have a long list of chemically adverse side effects. What I am suggesting is orgasm control. If your guy is like mine, he craves physical intimacy and loves sex. If you are like me, you crave emotional intimacy and also love a deeply intimate sexual connection with your partner. Orgasm control is a means to support both of your needs in the relationship. As you discuss orgasm control, he is going to have lots of questions. Does this mean that you are going to withhold sex? Absolutely not! Sex and intimacy may actually increase as you add orgasm control into your relationship. There really isn't anything for him to worry about, this is designed to ensure that both of your needs are met.
If your guy is like most, he masturbates 3-5 times per week. But wait, my guy doesn't masturbate that much! Yeah, he does. He just doesn't tell you every time that he takes matters into his own hands. The first step is to put a damper on his self-love because it truly is cheating you both of relationship intimacy. Are you an open minded, modern gal who thinks that his self love doesn't have an impact on you? Think again! The male orgasm is designed to make him clam up and shut down his ability to be emotionally intimate with you. Ask him to honestly tell you the last time he masturbated, I think you will be very surprised at the frequency. Discuss the hormonal shift that unregulated orgasms can create and the negative relationship symptoms that it may be creating.
Orgasm control has been practiced for thousands of years from taoism to tantra. Taking his orgasms and rationing them back to him prevents him from dulling his emotional side with frequent hits of dopamine. There are two methods, one is the honor system and the other is enforced by using some sort of device. For many men, starting with the honor system is a great way to see the initial effects but most fellas have been masturbating since their teens. Using a device to help them is like weaning them off of a drug that they've had access to since adolescence. The device itself can also help take the kink up a notch and keep the excitement level high for both of you. There are many designs of devices and you may go through a few before you find one that fits well. They range from very expensive custom fitted stainless steel devices to inexpensive plastic resin or silicone devices. …
Funny you posted this on a Sunday. It’s my lazy day! What I really am thinking about is what cage I should wear for hard work. My Dark Knight is too heavy sometimes.
I believe most wives would be shocked if they knew the actual amount we husbands masturbate. With such easy access to porn, it makes it so easy for men to get off whenever we want. Of course, the result is lack of interest in having sex with our spouse with low motivation. Wives need to actively monitor and control their husbands orgasms for the benefit of both partners.
So true. Another interesting fact is that guys don’t always do it because they are horny. Sometimes they do it to help them sleep, reduce stress and sometimes just because it is part of their routine. Worst of all, some men use it to get back at their partners. Seemingly saying, look partner. I don’t need you for this!
Like all things, it can be harmful if it is used in excess or for the wrong reasons. Make sure that you speak to your partner frequently and come to an understanding of what is acceptable in your relationship.
Emma, you are absolutely right that masturbation can serve a variety of purposes. I have occasionally done it when I am having trouble getting to sleep. For that purpose, it works like a charm, and I think it is much healthier than taking sleeping pills. I have never looked at masturbation as a way of getting back at my wife. In fact, my wife has sometimes suggested I do it if I am horny but she isn’t in the mood for sex. It can be a useful way for a couple to deal with differential sex drives.
NorCalMan, you are right about that. I think nearly all wives would be shocked how often their husband pleasure themselves. I came clean with my wife a few years ago. She thought I did it once or twice a month and as Emma said, it more like 3 to 5 times a week I agreed to slow down after that.
Hi Emma,
I couldn’t help but notice that the external blog you link to under “servant mindset” takes a pretty firm stance that “Leadership in the home is a responsibility God ordained for husbands to carry out.” One post complains that “[women] have been taught to lead and take command and have carried this over right into the home. Men, particularly Christian men, have been ‘equal righted’ in so many areas that they have just given up in a lot of areas.” He also quips, “Is there anything more irritating than to hear a woman complain about her husband?”
To each their own, I suppose, but I just wanted to draw that to your attention in case you weren’t aware.
Thank you for pointing that out. It is difficult to find much based in religion that doesn’t subjugate women. I did like much of the article but read it for the servant mindset. I often try and reverse or replace genders in the bible with “they” rather than he or her because I think it can stand the test of time better. Not because I am woke or something like that, simply because society had an outdated view of women back then.
have in earlier year study the Bible many years and to the man and the husband, the Bible teach that it is the husbands main task to provide for and protect our wife and family and to be the head who takes care of our wife as if it were our own body. The head gives the body what the body need and crave.
Because in the Bible’s teaching to husbands about being head, we are not exhorted to rule but to be servants and slaves by loving our wife in the same way that Jesus did in his journey on earth when he sacrificed himself and sacrified his royal posestion for his bride.
Thus, Christ’s example a husband is not his exalted kingly position in heaven but his degrading position as a servant and slave for his bride when he walked down here. Thats what the bible teaching..
He renounced his heavenly position and took the form of a servant says the word of God. THAT is the task of every husband in relation to his wife.
So christian men who think their wife should almost be a slave in the home need to study the Bible more carefully and with out putting there own manhood pride and patrical power abuse teaching in it and with out using the patrical church wrong twist.
The wourd for servant is slave and that what the bible teach the husband yo be to his wife.
One can of course have different opinions about how far one should go in this. But the church’s teachings on this have largely been distortions of the Bible to support clerical abuse of male power.
The bible scripture clearly also says that we as Men should love our Wife LIKE Christ DID and SACRIFICED him self. What did christ do? He was obidient until death the bible say. And when he washed the disipler feet was that a symbol of a slaves posistion snd work.
The scripture is clear if you don’t steal out single verses from the congregation’s teaching in the Bible and use the harlot church’s interpretation and twisted translation of those single verses as a basis to justify power-hunger and ruling urges towards women.
Then you will see the scripture tell us husbands to Relinquish from our high position, debase ourselves, be our Wife’s servant to do a slave’s work for our Woman. It is the example Jesus showed us on earth that the Bible holds out should be the husband’s attitude towards his Wife. Not his coming as the King!
As the Book of Proverbs describes about the skilled wife, she rule her house, rule finances, rule those who live in the house and appears (dresses) with exalted authority and respectability and disipline the people in her house..
So either I as her husband do housework according to her wishes and guidance or I can pay her servants if I have money for it. Im her servant acourding to the bible.
But most of us are in a situation where hiring servants is not possible and then of course as a husband, following Christ’s example, I must be my wife’s servant in the home and do the houschores after her wishes.
The man who understands this also has the right to “sit in the city gate and in the congregation with the elders” to receive respect and obedience in all teachings as the bible teach.
But in the home also the Bible teach that the Woman and Wife should be treaten like the Queen with the highest autority!
Hi Emma,
I am very curious to see how your female readers respond to this post, but as a man and husband (and one guilty of laziness on occasion!) I really love your thoughts and approach here. You are positive and compassionate about something that, let’s be honest, is a challenge that a lot of wives have to face, and that a lot of husbands end up feeling ashamed and defensive about. What you are presenting here is a classic win-win solution. Will it work for everyone? Of course not; what does? But I think it has the potential to be a big help to a lot of couples who get stuck around this area, which is what makes me so keen to see what kind of feedback you get on it from women.
If you haven’t done so already, I urge you to consider the possibility of packaging and editing a collection of your posts into an FLR/chastity-focused kind of self-help book for couples. It would give you a chance to reach a different (possibly broader?) audience that I think could really benefit from your voice and perspective. Plus, how cool would it be to have written a book? 🙂
Cheers!
RIChris
Thank you so much. I’ve been approached about a book idea but I don’t think I want to do it at the moment. I feel like there is still a journey and I don’t want to write the book until I’ve reached some sort of milestone. I’m not ruling it out but not ready for it today.
In the meantime, I’d love if you would be so kind to share my blogs either anonymously using the button on the sidebar or forwarding the link to someone. Let’s get the word out!
This is an interesting article and one that has some resonation with me and my marriage. However there is one aspect of how chores are divided between husband and wife that it doesn’t touch on, and that is his view on doing his share.
I’m not talking about how it works in an FLR specifically, but rather the general difference in attitude between men and women to domestic tasks.
I do most of the cooking, most of the cleaning and most of the laundry. He does the gardening every so often, the DIY, some shopping and any heavy lifting type work. This is viewed by my husband as part of our arrangement (partnership) as husband and wife.
However what I find frustrating is that if he does any task that is perceived as ‘my tasks’ like hanging out the washing, cooking a meal or doing the ironing, there is a subtle undertone that he’s done me a favour and that he should be praised for his efforts.
Now that make’s him sound like a real misogynist, which isn’t the case in the slightest, and he is really good at helping out, but that’s the point, it is seen as helping out rather than a proper division of labour.
The use of chastity does assist in making him more willing to do things, but there always remains that undertone that he’s helping me rather than taking ownership of the tasks and that I should recognise and thank him for doing ‘my work’.
I believe a significant minority of us men are wired to be sexually submissive. The feeling of being dominated and controlled by our wives turns us on, so we respond well to this kind of control. I am, however, skeptical whether this strategy would work on men who don’t have a submission kink. I find the idea of enforced chastity highly erotic. My wife isn’t interested in that form of domination, but I would enthusiastically comply if she was.
Since my wife doesn’t mind if I masturbate, I have been through periods of frequent masturbation and periods of self-imposed abstinence. Sometimes my wife will deny me an orgasm when we have sex. ( It is extremely exciting for me when she is “unfair” that way. She knows that because we have communicated about our kinks and fantasies. That’s why she does it. As a loving wife, she likes to push my kink buttons when she is in the mood). The point I want to make is that my experience makes me skeptical of the claim that the power of orgasm denial comes mainly from regulating a man’s hormones. Being denied an orgasm when I am horny will put me into a stratospheric level of arousal. But that arousal diminishes quickly if my wife simply turns her sexual attention away from me for an extended period. On the other hand, even if I have just had an orgasm, I respond instantly to authoritative behaviour from my wife, such as a command to do something in a tone of voice that tells me she expects obedience. My point is that behavioural cues from a dominant woman have a more powerful effect on a submissive man than the minor fluctuations of hormone levels do. But the idea of a woman having the power to regulate our hormones in a calculated way is certainly a sexy fantasy.
I love that picture of the guy on the couch, he looks like “oops, I already masturbated while you were out and now feel really sleepy and lazy”.
This can be very useful even if it’s done on a voluntary or on an experimental basis. Though my wife is not interested in male chastity or a FLR, I’ve begun extending my chastity periods from 48 hrs.to one week, and the results have been impressive. I now have more energy; my daily Yoga workouts are longer and harder (no pun intended) and perhaps most important, the sexual tension I feel inside has caused a reduction in my appetite, and is helping me to lose those extra pounds I’ve been trying to shed for a long time (5 pounds in 2 weeks!). So, for all you locked up males out there…when your lady refuses to unlock your chastity cage, and tells you “it’s for your own good” she’s probably right!
I completely agree @williamporter, she probably is right. She’s always right.
“This can be very useful even if it’s done on a voluntary or on an experimental basis.”
Increased “voluntary” is her goal for me, yes. If laziness were to creep in at any time, her paddle usually solves that problem.
Hi Ema, you are right semen retention has many benefits for men as for women in relationship. Scientists and reserches confirm that. I wonder why so few women don’t introduce their men to semen retention. Women who approches and request her man to retain,want happy and healthy relationship. and Men are full of energy and life force, and they redirect that energy to their beloved ladies.
When man retains he doesn’t neglect and take woman for granted, his woman is loved, valued and respected, he is chivalrous gentleman that takes care of his womans needs and wishes.He wants to be his best self for his lady. What woman wouldn’t want to have a man like this, with semen retention it is possible and real. You mentioned all benefits of retaining in your posts. I think than number of neglectet, unsatisfied, taken for granted, abused ect women would decrease with this one practice. Men naturally want to serve and plese their women, semen retention help men to reveal and understand better their nature and purpose. Women need more time to relax get in mood for intimacy. Man must take time to warm up his woman before intercourse , not rush things. Sex is much better for woman, with man who retains. He last enough for her to reach not one but multiple orgasms, as women are multi orgasmic by nature.He is more loving and caring lover, who wants to serve and please his lady inside and outside of the bedroom. Retaining man is romantic and chivalrous gentleman, who wants to serve and please his lady,your happiness and needs come first in relationship. There are no more excuses for men to be a minute man. That’s why womans pleasure and needs must always come first. Man warms up and finish too quick. Retention Your bond, intimacy and relationship will improve a lot. Women must be loved, respected,appreciated and honoured in relationship, retention help men to understand better women needs and nature and have better relationship. Love, cherish, respect each other and be happy.
I have a problem with the “servant mentality.” I agree with all the things you say in that section. Dave knows he will get his orgasms regularly and they are independent of what he does around the house or if he brings me flowers. He does all those things because he loves me. He is aware of my every mood and need. It has nothing to do with service. He is not a servant in any sense. He is a partner. A devoted (rather than business) partner is what you are describing.