Do you have a husband who is lazy & unmotivated? Are you looking for ways to help regain some excitement in your marriage and in his day to day. Men can be absolutely amazing. Do you remember how he was when you first started dating? He was just like the man he is today but he had an extra something. An extra spark of life. Do you remember the chivalry that you felt when he would open the car door for you? That is all but gone now but what if I told you that it is possible to bring that man back? What if I told you that it was possible to reignite that spark by taking control of your relationship?
1) Communicate about the problem and agree to work together on a solution.
First and foremost, make sure that he understands the expectations that you have for him. The expectations of what you want from your marriage and make sure that you let him know that he is capable of being that man. It will likely go on deaf ears but it is important that he know what is missing, at least from his perspective. Don’t come at him with an angry tone. Use a tone of compassion and make certain to have some give an take. What can you do to make him pick up after himself? What can you do to help him with the lazy tendencies? Use compassion and make sure that he doesn’t think you are attacking him lest he get defensive or shut down. Remind him that you still love him, remind him of the things in your life that are wonderful such as kids and family. Don’t be overly critical and try to steer clear from specifics, you don’t want this to turn into an argument.
Hopefully the above conversation went well. If not, perhaps try another time with a lighter approach until you get a more compassionate response. Assuming it went well, tell him that you have some ideas that might help give him some extra motivation. Ask if he is interested in hearing some ideas that might bring that spark back. Don’t answer right away, tell him that you will do some research and talk to him about it later. Remember that your husband ultimately wants to please you. A happy wife is truly a happy life and both of you know it. So much of his happiness and confidence is derived from making his partner happy.
You could consider threatening him with the lazy husbands act of 1913 but that old law may not be applicable or effective in today’s day and age. Let’s try a different approach. How about if I told you that there is a pill that will make him subconsciously make him want to make him please you. What if I told you that this pill would also give him a great deal of personal and relationship satisfaction from making you happy. Start the conversation that way, knowing that at his core, he truly does want to make you happy. What I am peddling isn’t a pill or even a tonic, it is something that is tried and true and doesn’t have a long list of chemically adverse side effects. What I am suggesting is orgasm control. If your guy is like mine, he craves physical intimacy and loves sex. If you are like me, you crave emotional intimacy and also love a deeply intimate sexual connection with your partner. Orgasm control is a means to support both of your needs in the relationship. As you discuss orgasm control, he is going to have lots of questions. Does this mean that you are going to withhold sex? Absolutely not! Sex and intimacy may actually increase as you add orgasm control into your relationship. There really isn’t anything for him to worry about, this is designed to ensure that both of your needs are met.
2) Take control of orgasms to reignite his motivation.
If your guy is like most, he masturbates 3-5 times per week. But wait, my guy doesn’t masturbate that much! Yeah, he does. He just doesn’t tell you every time that he takes matters into his own hands. The first step is to put a damper on his self-love because it truly is cheating you both of relationship intimacy. Are you an open minded, modern gal who thinks that his self love doesn’t have an impact on you? Think again! The male orgasm is designed to make him clam up and shut down his ability to be emotionally intimate with you. Ask him to honestly tell you the last time he masturbated, I think you will be very surprised at the frequency. Discuss the hormonal shift that unregulated orgasms can create and the negative relationship symptoms that it may be creating.
Orgasm control has been practiced for thousands of years from taoism to tantra. Taking his orgasms and rationing them back to him prevents him from dulling his emotional side with frequent hits of dopamine. There are two methods, one is the honor system and the other is enforced by using some sort of device. For many men, starting with the honor system is a great way to see the initial effects but most fellas have been masturbating since their teens. Using a device to help them is like weaning them off of a drug that they’ve had access to since adolescence. The device itself can also help take the kink up a notch and keep the excitement level high for both of you. There are many designs of devices and you may go through a few before you find one that fits well. They range from very expensive custom fitted stainless steel devices to inexpensive plastic resin or silicone devices.
With orgasm control, you are in charge of his orgasm and that can take some getting used to. Many men find that they grow to prefer wearing the device as it becomes a subconscious reassurance of your support and a symbol of your love, removing it can feel strange and foreign like removing a wedding ring. This means that you can decide if he gets twenty orgasms per day (ouch!) or twenty orgasms per year. Getting him on a schedule is a great way to get him on board with either the honor system or a device based plan. This is something that you would work through and agree upon together. If you push this on him without the necessary conversation, he is likely to either feel manipulated or find it kinky for a week and become disinterested or resentful. A schedule will allow both of you to know when he is permitted his next orgasm without him constantly pestering you about it. Orgasm control can have negative side effects if you don’t communicate frequently and honestly so it is important that you set aside time to initiate conversations about the positive and negative impact that you are both seeing.
When you determine that the timing is right for an orgasm, you can do it however you want. You can give him permission at the onset of a sexual encounter or perhaps set aside some time for him to pleasure himself while you touch his body.
3) Directing his motivation toward your relationship.
Ok so I’ve got an emotional connection with a lazy husband. Great, what does that get me? Thanks for sticking around this far, I promised a solution and I appreciate you listening to the methods behind my madness. With orgasm control, he will be more concerned with your needs and the needs of your household. A chore list will help him understand his expectations and you can set goals for the week. If goals are met, orgasm happens. If goals aren’t met, orgasms get delayed for days or perhaps until the next weekly opportunity. All of these puzzle pieces are coming together now, right? Your fella probably isn’t a lazy guy, he simply lacks the proper form of motivation. When the dangling carrot of orgasm is used as a means of motivation, your husband will want to please you and seek out new ways of making you smile.
Here are a few goals that we’ve used in our relationship, weight loss, laundry, errands, yard work; heck we’ve even used my orgasms through oral sex as a gauge for earning one of his! For every ten orgasms I have, you get one of your own. One of the goals of orgasm control should be a playful heart. Regardless of age, play is minimized in our society and a playful mindset helps bring us together and enjoy our time spent together. If you play together, you become a team rather than self-serving adversaries.
4) Expect a servant mentality.
At face value, it may seem like he is doing things to earn an orgasm rather than doing things for the sake of your relationship. To that end, you might be initially discouraged because you want him to do these things for you rather than for himself. The interesting thing is that the orgasm control changes his headspace and shifts his mindset into a servant mentality. I use the word servant cautiously as I am not speaking of a submissive leather-clad slave or something from the world of bdsm.
A servant mindset shifts him from seeing you as on object for the purpose of his pleasure and puts you back on the pedestal you were on when he was pursuing you. His listening and empathy will grow and that will make him want to be helpful and more engaged with your relationship and with your family.
Another side effect you will see as he shifts to a servant love or mindset is the disappearance of the sex barter system. The sex barter system is a system where sex is used as a perceived currency. Bartering or bargaining comes from the expectation of sex based upon an anticipated frequency or performance of tasks. Have you ever heard him complain about the frequency of sex when your needs are mismatched? Has he ever expected sex after buying you flowers or perhaps doing some chores? While most men do this without knowing it, this mindset can feel deeply sexist and hurtful to those of us on the receiving end. As he subconsciously accepts that sexual release is not within his control, he will shift to a more compassionate and connected mindset. You will notice that much of his day to day energy is spent subconsciously trying to convince you to have sex with him. It is important that you recognize that this isn’t his fault and that he isn’t doing this to intentionally manipulate you. His hormones are making him pursue sexual release and you are the object that facilitates release. One would think that taking blatant control of his sexuality would amplify this but it doesn’t. In fact, the loss of direct control completely flips the equation.
5) Connect with him on a deeply physical and emotional level.
If he can’t have an orgasm, that means we can’t have sex. Right? Abso-freaking-lutely not. You can have as much sex as you like. In fact, you can have more sex but it will take some getting used to. Many of us have sex with the focus being on the prize or the orgasm at the end of the journey. What if you focus on the journey instead? Orgasms are great but they should be the icing on the cake rather than the cake itself. Men are especially guilty of this and I don’t really know why. The undue focus on orgasm takes the pleasure away from the journey itself. As women, many of us focus our sexual experience on helping our partner get to orgasm rather than allowing ourselves to be selfish and enjoy the act of doing the sexing. This can make sex feel like a chore and make sex something that we do for our partner rather than something that we do with our partner. Focus on the journey, the intimacy and the connection between the two of you. Stop short of his orgasm and take frequent breaks to keep his arousal level from getting too high.
My Kev and I separate his orgasm from our sex and rarely combine the two. This creates a pattern of separation in his mind and sex makes a shift to journey with destination. We may take several journeys without destination before we decide to visit the destination together. This guided approach takes a level of trust and commitment that will deepen the intimacy in your relationship. The first few times that sex ends without orgasm will be confusing and frustrating for him. Support him through this as he learns to adapt his expectations. We find that the device is an excellent tool to redirect his arousal. We keep his device on the night stand and when I am done, a simply loving “now lock it up for me” is enough to end things cleanly and without aggravation. Note that I am not asking, the word now is firm and confident so he knows that a protest will result in consequences such as a longer time until his next orgasm.
Conclusion
This may raise questions about fairness but there are so many facets to the conversation about fairness. Sex shouldn’t be about fairness, it should be about closeness and emotional intimacy. If we invoke the fairness card, we can bring up topics of periods, cramping, hormones, gender discrimination and childbirth that certainly turn play into any sort of argument. Any of those fun topics should be able to steer the conversation away from any sort of fairness debate. Rather than dwelling on negative topics, shift the focus to intimacy and a heightened sense of connection between you and your partner. For some reason, orgasm doesn’t typically have the same debilitating and demotivating impact on women that it does for men.
Orgasm control is widely understood to be a positive thing for men. Many men take it upon themselves to limit or temporarily remove orgasm from their lives to stimulate motivation and boost mental clarity. Check out nofap.com and the nofap subreddit for more information on the sex positive, self-managed approach. Many religious groups promote a more measured approach to sex. If left to his own devices, it can be difficult to initiate and a great amount of willpower to see it through. Using the strength of your relationship, using orgasmic motivation as tool can yield impressive results when you work together. As we grow to understand orgasmic and sexual motivation, orgasm control is becoming more popular.
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
As I learn more about my sexuality and about how both males and females are wired, I have to question our society’s husband and wife normative. I understand that the world is roughly equal in terms of the ratio of males (50.4%) and females (49.6%). With that ratio, a 1:1 pair bonded ratio makes sense from a societal perspective but for the sake of conversation, let’s ignore that for the moment.
Emotional
I know it isn’t popular to talk about but most women need more communication. I personally feel like I need constant reassurance and conversation. Kev knows this and is absolutely fine with conversation but I am typically the one who initiates it. If he is sitting there and not talking, my first reaction is that he is upset or perhaps that I should be upset with him about something. I always overthink things and I usually catch myself before I get too deep into thought but without communication, I almost immediately assume that something is wrong. When I was living with two fellas, there was always someone talking to me. I know it sounds silly and perhaps needy but when I was engaged in communication twice as frequently and it left my mind less time to overthink.
Connection
Our relationship with a third wasn’t always threesomes, sometimes it was spent connecting one on one. I love those one on one connections and the intimacy. My communication with Kev was constantly reassuring as he wasn’t present for some of that connection time with Andrew but I personally think that making time for everyone is important. Kev needed to feel that intimate connection and know that my love for him was as strong as ever. Andrew needed reassurance that our passionate connection was as strong and exciting as it had been in the beginning.
The Devil’s Threesome
Women can handle more than one man in a sexual experience. Men cannot. Now I know that the FMF threesome is probably more prevalent than the MFM threesome but the variant with two women doesn’t typically result in the sexual satisfaction of both of those women. Likely neither of them would leave the scenario with their lust fully satiated unless of course they engage each other sexually. The threesome with two men and one woman almost certainly guarantees that the woman will be satiated and men rarely leave this type of scenario without an orgasm.
While threesomes come to mind when we are talking about sex among three people it isn’t always the case. While it is true that we shared one bed, we wouldn’t always cuddle together as a throuple (such a weird word). In some cases, I’d cuddle Kev and in other cases, Andrew would cuddle me. Sometimes we would just be a huge mess of arms, legs, penises and boobs. I am a huge cuddler and I absolutely love to hold or be held at night. I never seemed to have an issues finding someone that was willing to give me my sweet cuddle-fix.
Round 2 Sex
While a big people-pile has its merits, one on one sex has a level of beautiful intimacy that can’t be matched. This is actually the most frequent type of sex that we would have. Kev and I would peg and it would turn Andrew on so much that he and I would end up having PIV sex immediately after. Andrew and I would have sex and Kev would get so turned on that he and I would have sex immediately after. As I mentioned in “The Devil’s Threesome” above, men and women are wired differently and many women can take several partners. The hardest part is overcoming social stigma of how bad and wrong society tells us that we should feel for doing something that is so abnormal. Try as I might, I couldn’t find a term for this type of sex so we coined the phrase round 2. I am not insatiable and many times I felt physically exhausted before starting round two but the second, third and subsequent orgasms are far easier for me. Does anyone know if there is an official word for this?
One Man is Not Enough
I am absolutely satisfied with my relationship with Kev and we enjoy our time together. Including a third in our relationship for a time was a wonderful experience and I wouldn’t take it back. From both the sexual and emotional context, he is enough as a partner. With that said, a partner shouldn’t be expected to be your everything. I think it is essential to have a broader social circle. This can and should include men, women, couples and even pets. We are meant to be social creatures and investing everything into one will only lead to disappointment and boredom. On our own, each of is is absolutely enough but together we are so much more. Your partner is your rock but the two of you can experience a much different and diverse intimacy if you include another. Consider a platonic or intimate relationship with another to help diversify your connection. I guarantee you will learn more about each other and become better at fulfilling each other’s needs.
Love Everyone
Spread your wings and be a social butterfly. In this post-covid world, many of us are trying to overcome social anxiety and re-learn what it is to socialize with others. Make others comfortable around you, invite friends to spend time with you. Seek out those who appear to need your love and attention. If your emotional outreach turns into intimate conversation or even physical relationships, accept it at face value and accept that other person. You are beautiful and so many of those around you are as well. None of us are enough on our own, embrace others and bring them into your circle. In the wake of some fairly controversial posts, I figured this one would keep adding fuel to the fire. Got something to say? Leave a note below in the comments.
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
In some cases, men who desire a FLR had a mother who was quite stern. In seeking a dominant female such as yourself, they are looking to replace the female authority that makes them comfortable. While finding female authority comfortable if that was the relationship role model he had isn’t bad, it can be important to ensure that there is a distinction. Desiring female praise is a wonderful trait however motherly praise is different than praise from a partner.
Unfortunately, there are some cases in which the man in a FLR in which the woman has most of the power and authority and ends up regressing to a childlike servitude. Instead of becoming the man who works for your satisfaction, he ends up becoming a previous version of himself, redefining his role as your son and your role as his mother. This is of course unhealthy.
Prior to finding our footing in relationships, many women find that it comes natural to be a strong mother however weak when it comes to being a wife. This train of thought gets very Freudian and my experience there is rather limited so bear with me if I mistakes. For those of us who grew up with strong mothers but absent or weak fathers, we knew the strength of a parent from our mothers. We knew discipline from our mothers and when the father was home, he was often overruled by the mother since she was both the enforcer and the creator of the household rules. For those of us who grew up with strong fathers but weak or absent mothers, we saw strength and leadership in our fathers and submission and servitude from our mothers.
This shapes our future relationships and the expectations and roles of our future partners. My mother was a strong woman and she guided me on a path to be the woman that I am today. Kev’s mother and father were both somewhat equal but his dad wasn’t present much of the time due to work so his mom laid the rules down in her household. For this reason Kev finds himself more comfortable with a female running the household. Is it necessary for Kev to be happy? No, I think he would be happy either way but he is able to accept a greater level of relaxation and happiness with a female running the show. We’ve acknowledged that Kev thrives with leadership however we both want relationship equality. We both want our bond to be that of equals and we want both of our opinions to be heard in the case of life decisions.
This blog is a combination of a word of warning and an acknowledgement that our parents do play a role in our future selves. By taking away all power and authority from your male partner and making all his decisions for him, certain personality types would end up falling into a submissive/child role completely. This is one of the reasons why many females find “mamas boys” to be unattractive. We don’t want to compete with another female for his attention, even if that female is his mother. This isn’t about me, it came from a random thought I had while watching a modern classic movie. Hah!
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
There is a relationship between all emotions but compersion and jealousy have one of the most unique. Jealousy is a beast of an emotion since jealousy in the context of a relationship produces many secondary emotions such as fear, suspicion, rage and humiliation. Compersion on the other hand is joy and empathy in the happiness of others.
What causes jealousy?
Many emotions can trigger or be triggered by jealousy such as possessiveness, inadequacy, low self esteem, control issues or even vulnerability and fear. If you don’t have a rock solid relationship and you are watching your partner in a sexual situation with another, there will likely be a level of fear related to losing your partner. I feel like the existence of jealousy is an indication that the relationship exists on a weak foundation. Frequent communication about feelings and directly addressing insecurities can help solidify a weak foundation.
Sometimes there’s nothing wrong with watching
For deeply emotional relationships, many men and women are able to experience pleasure when the other partner experiences pleasure or joy. Feelings of compersion can be attached to watching a partner win an award, receive a promotion at work or it can be attached to physical feelings like relaxation, massage or even sex and orgasm. In and my relationship, one of the best examples of compersion is when Kev is locked and I don’t feel like having penetrative sex. Sometimes I am just fine with pulling my rabbit from the nightstand for some solo adventures into manual stimulation land. Sometimes this starts with some oral stimulation from my favorite guy and sometimes it doesn’t. It usually involves Kev sitting on the side of the bed or in the desk chair on the far side of the room watching. Do I like an audience? Absolutely! Knowing that I am the object of Kev’s affection and knowing how much he enjoys watching me arch my back and body tense and relax with an orgasm or two is deeply arousing. I know with his big guy locked up, his attention and subsequent satisfaction aren’t related to his on his own pleasure. His satisfaction is derived from watching my sexual experiences and watching waves of dopamine course through my body. How hot is that? A partner that is so focused on my pleasure that he derives his own pleasure from it? Yes please!
Doesn’t watching make him a cuckold?
You can’t talk about compersion in a relationship without talking about the cuckold relationship. I personally don’t like the term cuckold so I don’t like to use it to describe our relationship. We have a monogamous relationship that sometimes includes others, a bit of consensual non-monogamy. Let’s call it poly-friending. I view the term cuckold as derogatory because it implies that the sexual experiences of the female are without the awareness and approval of the male partner. This is never the case for us, we are an open book of communication both sexual and otherwise.
What does he gain by watching?
Men are very driven by physically sexual feelings. By watching, it redirects him to get his fulfillment in a more emotional way. Rather than watching me and and touching himself when he gets aroused, watching while he is locked allows him to get lost in my pleasure. It allows him to separate the deeply physical connection that men have with their penises and experience sex on a more emotional level. The emotional disconnect that our society imposes on men is detrimental to self-awareness, communication and emotional pleasure. Opening new doors and windows into pleasure centers in the male psyche simultaneously complicates and simplifies their ability to experience pleasure in the context of a relationship.
What do I gain when he watches?
From a female perspective, it isn’t a straight comparison since many of the same emotions are different between genders. The drive to please isn’t as strong from women to men as it is from men to women. A man who feels that he has a sexually satisfied wife feels like he has satisfied her in all other aspects. This of course is rarely the case as we are great at compartmentalizing. It also help dispel the rumor that a sexually satisfied wife is an emotionally satisfied wife, like men we are complex creatures and we are capable of being either, neither or both when it comes to emotional and physical satisfaction. It also adds credence to the fact that we shouldn’t feel so obligated as partners to completely fulfill every sexual and emotional need. Sometimes we really are not enough and that should be ok. Kev is not emotional enough to be my only emotional connection. I have girlfriends who are far more emotional than he could ever hope to be. Does that make him any less of a partner? Does that make him any less of a man? Absolutely not. I don’t want him any other way.
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
My boyfriend Kev and I invited our mutual friend Andrew to stay with us for what we expected to be a few months. A few months turned in to nearly a year but we had a great time! We really did have a great time together and we all seemed to mesh well together, both in and out of the bedroom. One of the things that created an odd dynamic is the pseudo-gay-cooties that the two fellas indirectly expressed at the beginning. Our society has such a different view of homosexuality depending on gender. If two women kiss, they are just flirting or having fun but if two men kiss they are gay. Why is it that two men involved in a sexual experience together is somehow gay? Are they scared? Intimidated? Are they afraid that they will be turned on by each other?
Each time the two guys would get naked in front of each other, there would be an aura of awkwardness and they would refuse to make eye contact, instead directing my attention toward me. Now don’t get me wrong, I am an whore for attention and I ate that up for our first dozen or two encounters together but after a while the tension between the two guys started to make things weird. They always made sure to be on opposite sides with me as a buffer between them and it made things less fun. I didn’t really notice the subconscious dance that the two of them were doing to stay away from each other yet close to me. Eventually I’d had enough so we did something absolutely crazy. Are you ready for this? We communicated about it! I asked them to sit with me in bed, all three of us were nude. I started by asking them both if they were gay. Both guys of course responded that they were not gay. I asked both of them to give each other three compliments about the other’s naked body. After a few compliments from both guys about butts abs and penises, I asked them if they felt weird being naked around each other. Both guys stuttered a bit with their responses and clearly they did. I asked them both what they liked about watching the other fuck me. We got some more responses, more sexual this time. Andrew asked what I was hoping to get with the line of questioning, was I looking to have the two guys hook up? He seemed a bit annoyed but I explained that I was just looking to get over the awkwardness. I told him that I wouldn’t mind if they wanted to hook up in whatever context that meant. Oral, touching, anal, I am just looking for everyone to enjoy each other. I do enjoy watching two guys touch. As many men like watching lesbian porn, I enjoy watching gay porn. Two beautiful men, pleasing each other? Yes please. I’m not intent on making anyone stretch any sexual barriers but if they feel comfortable enough to do so, I would encourage it. I just want to break down the invisible wall of awkwardness in the bedroom and allow them to explore sexuality in a no judgement zone.
I asked Kev what he liked about watching Andrew and I. Kev responded that he liked watching me orgasm while Andrew fucked me, he felt like he could share in the genuine pleasure that I was feeling. I asked the same to Andrew about watching Kev and I. Interestingly Andrew responded that he really enjoyed watching me peg Kev. He said that it was one of the most intimate things that he had ever seen. I feel the same way and it made me smile to know that it looked as sexy to him as it feels to me. Andrew also said that he found the chastity and teasing dynamic that Kev and I enjoy together fascinating and incredibly erotic. He felt incredibly powerful, dominant and lucky when he and I were together while Kev was locked.
I asked both guys if they would humor me with a little bit of awkwardness-reduction play. They looked at me, visibly nervous both both agreed. I directed them to sit across from each other naked while playing with themselves. Once they were both hard, I got between them and helped by taking both of them into my mouth, rubbing both of their cocks together in the process. They didn’t back away despite their slight swordplay. I pulled them both out of my mouth and asked them to reach down and stroke each other. Both of them reluctantly complied and they were half heartedly tugging on each other. I stepped back, put my hand over my mouth and jokingly commented, “Look, it didn’t turn you gay!” All three of us laughed and I think they got the point. We hopped into bed and had a much less awkward heterosexual romp in the sheets together.
Previous to this discussion, most of our conversations were about jealousy and top dog/alpha male type issues which we needed to squash right away. Those types of issues were absolute deal breakers to the type of situation that we were all hoping for. Some friendly male competition is alright but I didn’t want anything toxic in the bedroom. Kev went through a few days where he felt that Andrew was a threat to our relationship. Andrew went through a few days where he got possessive of me. Both guys didn’t love the fact that I didn’t necessarily want group sex every time since that means someone is the odd man out. Eventually both of them got used to sitting on the bench from time to time.
So how did it go? How did things change after addressing the elephant in the bedroom? Yes, things slowly got better, I didn’t turn either of them gay or bisexual and that of course wasn’t my intention. I don’t need them to become heterosexual or even heteroflexible but I needed to address the awkwardness. Once they realized that neither of them was going to magically become gay by smacking the other’s butt or giving a friendly stroke or two, the tension simply evaporated. After a while, night time cuddles didn’t always require that I lay in the middle as the no-homo buffer. I got both guys to agree to try a few things outside of their comfort zones but that is a story for a different blog.
You aren’t gay or bi if you are having a threesome, you really aren’t. The MFM threesome is called the devil’s threesome out of an outdated gender stigma about female sexual pleasure. YES we are female and YES we are allowed to enjoy sex. Female sexuality should be empowering and not demeaning despite literally everything in our society telling us otherwise.
I’ve received emails with comments like “I find the idea of pleasing two guys at once intimidating”. Guess what, you aren’t pleasing two guys! For the most part, they are focusing on you and you are typically just along for the ride. The ratio of holes and poles in a MFM vs FMF threesome is much better and allows it to be a much more sensual experience with things just lining up for all of the different positions. Most men are highly motivated to please a female so two guys usually does equate to twice the pleasure. Guys motivated to please the ladies and those who are open to a MFM type threesome will be more open to the emotional side of sex. Those guys will be more open to communication, less likely to be violent, aggressive and jealous. It is all about keeping all of the relationships in your life positive.
Yes Andrew moved out, I am still working on a blog summing up our experience together over the last year but I have a couple unfinished drafts that I wanted to post first. We knew the day was coming and it was a bittersweet when it actually came. All in all, it was a wonderful experience and we all connected tremendously. We left on wonderful terms and are already making plans to go out and visit him late this summer.
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
I’ve learned many things over the last year but one of the most interesting is the tie between an emotional and a physical relationship. Why is casual sex while in a relationship so frowned upon? I am not saying that I want to go out and do bunches and bunches of casual sexing but I like to talk about things.
Pregnancy/STD
Hurt feelings
What others think
Threat to the relationship
When we hear about someone cheating, it is framed in such a way that we are led to believe that they are a bad person or did it to hurt their partner. This is rarely the reason although some partners use infidelity as revenge or tit for tat. I personally don’t see the purpose in this and would highly recommend communication as a better way of handling relationship problems.
Men and women cheat for largely the same reasons although the order is often different.
Low Self Esteem
Emotionally Starved
Using Infidelity as Revenge
Crave Excitement
Sexually Deprived
First let’s look at the differences between casual sex and relationship sex. Sex is intimate when you are doing it with someone that you’ve got feelings for. When you don’t have a deep connection, sex can be hot and exciting but it is more about the physical attraction and lust. Having sex with a hookup is almost always awkward with awkward silences and awkward touching as you try and guess what the other person likes and dislikes. You are always on edge that one or both of you might get emotionally attached. It may seem like I am trying to talk you out of it but I’m not. Casual hookups are awesome! The passion and spontaneity are hotter than hot and it makes you feel attractive and alive. It validates that you are beautiful and this other person knows it too.
So we’ve established that casual sex is hot af. Now what about the psychological effects? Depending on your upbringing and the baggage that you bring to the table (we’ve all got it), casual sex can make you feel shame, depression and can have a negative impact on self esteem. If you find yourself enjoying the hookup and taking it at face value, then it probably works for you. If you feel like trash the next day, you need to evaluate your feelings and decide if you need something more meaningful to fully enjoy yourself. Casual sex isn’t inherently bad but the meanings that you give it can make it bad to you.
If things are still sounding relatively good, let’s ask some more questions. Does the idea of sex outside the relationship make you feel threatened? If so, why does it make you feel this way? Do you feel like sex outside the relationship could turn into feelings and jeopardize your relationship? Discuss the tough questions and recognize that we can’t expect one person to fulfill all of our emotional and physical needs. If we expect this, we will always come up short. If we recognize that some of our needs may go unfulfilled by being with one person, that may be a tradeoff that you are prepared to make and that is perfectly fine.
Casual hookups may not be the same as an open marriage. In many cases, only one partner is allowed to go out on their own and even then there can be many rules to accompany the openness. The female may have a higher sex drive and the male might be fine with her experiencing some things and watching her eyes light up as she comes home to tell him all about it. The couple may experience some of these things in the same room. Other couples may both go out on their own for separate experiences. Would a threesome suffice for what you are missing? As you can tell, there are many different options and no single option is a perfect fit for every couple.
Based on what I’ve learned about our relationship and our experiences with having a third for the past year, I think our relationship would lean toward a hot wife style relationship. Kev loves seeing my face light up during a sexual experience and loves to make eye contact while I experience pleasure. His aptitude for compersion is something that I find incredibly endearing as I know it is the most selfless level of love that he can offer.
I didn’t intend for this article to be about open relationships and non-monogamy but I suppose it is leaning that way. Depending on what is right for you and your relationship, you can do whatever the two of you decide and you are free to call it whatever you will. Whether you decide to call it open relationship, hot wife, swingers, cuckold, nonmonogamy; I just ask that you communicate and agree on a set of ground rules. I recommend that those ground rules be written down somewhere and signed so they are more impactful and tangible. You are free to discuss and amend those rules at any time but having a written set of rules will help prevent them from being bent or broken in the heat of the moment.
Does this mean that Kev and I are going to have an open relationship? Nope, it isn’t looking like that is the direction we are going for the moment but we have talked about it. I encourage you to talk about it with your significant other. Even if you aren’t interested, start a dialog and enjoy a deeply meaningful conversation with the person that you love. You might just learn something about him or her.
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
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